Letters to you

Dear significant other,
I still believe that you are out there somewhere. My faith is wearing thin, but I still have faith left. If you read this, take me out of this misery. Please promise me that when you find me, you will make me happy especially when Im being so emotional without a reason. It's not that hard, all I need is a hug. Please dont let me fight with another girl for you, instead, fight for me to stay in your life. I am done fighting for a guy and ending up broken. You know I will love you with all my heart, so don't break it, or I'll have nothing left. Hug me when I feel insecure, hold my hand and tell me it's going to be fine. Call me before I go to sleep, or before you go to work. Text me at random times, eventhough I didnt text you. Never grow tired of telling me how much you love me and please, never stop loving me, eventhough I can be hard at times. Wipe my tears when I cry and dunk my head in your arms. Listen to me when I am mad at you, pull me in when I shout. Tell me all your secrets, and let me share your fears. Be honest with me, eventhough the truth will hurt. Heal my wounds, if you ever had to hurt me. Dont make me promises if you cant keep up with it, be real. and i will be yours. Until my last breath

the real world

Here is my concern. I want to get my degree, and I want to continue my masters. I know my initial plan was going to Australia and enroll in RMIT, but after careful thinking, I plan to continue my degree here, an do my masters there instead, and settle there. Well maybe not settling there. This depends. Here are the reasons to why. First of all, Aussie is not cheap, and I am not under any scholarship. In order for me to get so, well I have to maintain a good grade atleast for the first year and try to get a scholarship for the second year. A year's cost of living is approximately $125,000. Approximately, this is if I save up. So in a way, this number has to be timed by three. Again, this is if I save up. Meaning, not going out a lot and cook at home. The reason for me to go to Aussie is not only to study but to have fun as well, and I think I know what I mean by having fun. Money is crucial. So, there is no use for me to study in Aussie if all I do is go to campus and go home. I can do that here, and still go out and not worry that much about money. Second of all, after going through several local colleges and universities, I realise I could transfer my credit hours and finish my degree in two years tops. One and a half or one year if Im lucky enough. I am 21. I want to have my degree as soon as I can and I want a good income, this being having a good job with a good and sufficient educational background before the age of 30. Yes, by 30 I would want to own my own car, my own house (apartment maybe) with my own money that I work my ass for and I want to be able to give my earnings to my parents, and like any other normal woman get married and have kids... bla bla bla. So the story goes. My point is, I think I should stay. I prefer to be independant. So I think I should stay, so I can get my degree fast, since its easier to do credit transfers and then continue my Masters in RMIT maybe. Then get a job and be an adult. Seriously that thought scares me.

clarification

I think I have lost touch at my poetic writing skills. Maybe because i realize, I used to write so good when Im sad and down, and that rarely happens nowadays. i want to write like I used to, but I hate sounding emotional. But anyways. Im admitting here, that in this blog, I will vent about guys a lot. Sounds desperate, but whatever. My blog anyway.

I here clarify that I am not heartless, or picky as most of you claim me to be. I just simply am not ready for a relationship or some sort, although sometimes I think I need to be in one. I have my funs with guys, physically. Honestly, I'd rather have a once-in-a-while physical-only relationship with a guy. Emotionally, I guess I am not ready to open up or let myself appear vulnerable to anyone. It feels like I'm losing, and I dont like the feel of losing? I like thinking I'm in control, and that boys cant bring me down, neither can a girl, speaking of. Not to mention, my confidence has galloped so high lately. I dont know why, it's like I have no fear of rejection, something I use to have a lot. Like I no longer care about other judgements towards me. This should be good right?

read through me

I am so sick of guys. I do, I do want to have someone, who loves me, goes the extra mile for me, one that I am able to love back. I am tired of getting attracted to the wrong people. I do, tell them, they're going to forget me tomorow comes. I do, tell myself, to never at all have hopes. But in the end, I am only lying to myself. I know Im hurt. It doesnt hurt less no matter how many practices I've had. It just that I get better at diminishing the sadness from my face, I get better at telling people I am fine, and move on. I get better at handling it, but it doesnt make me feel any less painful. It hurts so bad everytime it happens. Sometimes it hurts even more than all the befores.

reality

what does enough means?
I have everything i think i need. Friends and family. But somehow i feel like i want more, need more. I think that is why i hide myself inside the party house. So i dont feel lost and without a purpose.

Of cars and men

Is it just jinx or is it just me? If it was karma, that was unexpected. I was hoping my heart to get ripped not my car. What harm did my car ever done to anyone anyway? Okay, I got involved with someone elses boyfriend. So get someone to get involve with mine, when I have one. Stupid life. Anyone who throws a voice to me - Im sorry, you will forever today sound annoying.
Out of all the stupid yet cool accident that could happen, I chose to hit the cement wall upon avoiding a stupid car in the parking lot. That was dumb. Dumb as fuck to be exact. Urgh, just when I'd started to love that car. Someone just give me sleeping pills please. Its been long since Ive felt as fucked up as I am today. I even cried in the bathroom. Really self? So good at pretending to be heartless and strong, and cried for a car. So I love my car. So what. Cars dont break promises.

No room for past

Sweeping away the past fleshes again. I have a new present that I want none of your existence of. So today be the last day I hear about any of you (because i was forced to) Then it's ahoy to my new present. Well I like living this way, life's to full of surprises whether good or bad. But atleast, i know now I want to experience it with new people. So toodles old life.

Hey and anyway, I've decided what to call us. We're just teammates. When the team degrades we might or might not remain friends. But atleast I predicted this sooner so that I wont suffer much of an aftermath shock.

Like the wind through your skin

I think I am becoming heartless. Not fully, but getting there. Guess pretending to have no feelings has taken it's toll on me. I love it everytime I see you, although I pretended not to care. Because it's wrong for me to care, and I can't let myself get hurt again. But lately, it's getting harder for me to act like a faceless. idgaf, always chilled up girl.... because you're starting to know a lot about me. The facts about me that i don't even bother telling people, and that me myself aren't aware of. Like the number of bangles i wear everyday. Nobody cared, not even me. But you counted them.

Anyway, its pointless. You will always be with her. I will one day get over you or maybe not bother about you at all. So I guess... here's to another passing memory.

Blunt and Real

Okay, maybe it's my hormones. But, hey captain, what the fuck are you doing screwing up my life? Well okay it's not screwed up. Please just be faithful to your girlfriend. You're now making it hard for me. If she finds out, you can never imagine the hurt you put on her. So please, be a good man.

Hey heart, could you fucking decide what you want? You know you miss having a boyfriend, but everytime a guy tries to get close you back out. Why? You're giving nobody a chance and you're chasing someone else's life. Well, not chasing. Just.... hoping? You tell yourself ever so often that it's cool cause you're not into commitments (which is partially true) but you're hoping a guy could go that extra mile to love you. Will there ever be?

Placebo

okay the pace is slowing down again. I wanna dance with new people. Infact I wanna meet new people. Everyone I know is of same behaviour. Playing around fooling themselves. What is up with people? I liked myself when I was 18. I am loving myself right now, I just wished somewhere inside me I'm still capable of loving. I thought love was a simple thing.

when it's time

No. I won't be playing your game forever. You can't tell me not to fall in love so that you could have me until you want to. No. I am not your doll, There's no you written on me. We are just a phase, a loop, ghosts playing around. To the world we don't exist, and to the world we will never be. I will come and go as I may and so will you. We are not each other's lighthouse nor are we each other's ship. We're just tides, it's there for fun, for surfing, and a signal the water's still there. But we will pass and nobody will care of it no more. That's what you and I are, non-existance.

a weird occurence

Hey you, isn't it just weird? How I never really notice how I feel until I saw you with her the whole night and morning after? I guess I like trippin' with you better than I liked it with him. Well oh whatever, feelings can come and eventually will go, and so far confusion is my life story.

I hope the night never ends. I want to feel happy and content in someone's arms. Feel like the lucky girl you shared your world with. Whoever you are. Well, if you're looking, please don't quit. Because I so wish you'd find me, and make me believe in love once again.

Love Replica

I know this is as far as it gets. I know it's as real as the skin I'm wearing. You make me turn into one whole bad person I avoided to be, I once hated, I promised I'd never become. I'm more selfish than I'd ever knew. Every time you open up a little bit more, I get sucked in a little deeper into your blackhole. Deep enough, my heart will burst into pixie tiny dust. I wished I knew you earlier.... or later. It's like volunteering for a homocide. I am after all, just that wild girl who fills in that empty space... an empty space you don't mind leaving. Like firefighter trucks every boy keeps up in the attic for years and years and will never bother peeking at once they get married. I am that firefighter truck, to watch and live your wildest fantasy. Fantasy, never your reality. She is. She is the tatoo on your skin, forever carved in, like blood through your veins. In a way I wished I could take her spot. But Im not mean enough. And I know, your real happiness is with her. I am not that girl to destroy your happiness. But just for a while, I would love to have those memories. Just for some time.

Denial denied

you found it than you dont. you nurture it, only to find out that it's torturing your spine, making you weighing more than you should. What would you choose? A selfish act that will hurt you and another person for a little taste of heaven, or an act that will make you seem loyal, but vulnerable, and could just be an act of stupidity? To tell of, both options equals to stupidity. Silly heart, silly silly heart.

You

Im not always strong. My feelings are not for you to play with. I am not a bet you do with your friends to see who wins. I am not a game you play to make you look like a hero or to make you look cool. Or an item that can make you go, " look, she came after me". I am not heartless and I am almost always fragile.

Im tired of your games. No, it's not cool to tell me how much you like the girl that just pass by to see how I react, and pretend I am okay with it. I am not. But you will never know will you? I can't pretend infront of you anymore. I can't be just your friend when you keep sending me mixed messages. If you want me to be just a friend, than let me know clearly. So I won't have any hopes on you.

the other halves

Had a long talk with my best friend today. About our relationship, and the fact that we're both single. I think me and her, we're like, we share something that others dont. No matter how much misunderstandings we get into, and how long we've lost contacts, we always seem to find our ways around each other. She's always going to be there for me and me for her. Not just that, If I had a relationship with a narcissist guy and broke up, she will go through the same thing. Not because we planned it, but it always happens coincidentally. Then I learn that she's sick. Like sick sick, need medication sick. I still can't believe it and I do hope she'll get better.

Chapter II

I think I need a boyfriend for these few but crucial reasons:

Life is boring at times. I want cute messages that makes my heart goes awh. I want to feel the magic again. I need cuddling. I need someone to tell me, "hey, Im here, it'll be fine". I need physical contacts a.k.a sex. {whaaattt, everybody needs itttttt. dont judge. im just outspoken} I need to have a life and purpose{not that he'll be my whole purpose, but having support is good}

forced hellos, rushed goodbyes.

Yeah, I am closing the door that was never opened. Or atleast I almost had it opened. Plastering the bricks that I almost break to allow you in. But you never really wanted to pull me out. So I'm staying in and straying away from you. I couldn't care less about you. Really. I move swift like a wind. In this pulling strings game, let's just say we're not elastic enough. I won't bounce back, we never had a chance to create that bond. So Im gone. Yeah, and I did say I am tired of games. So if it's game you're looking for, Im sorry but I bailed. I'm not capable of any heartaches anymore. Or maybe because, in order for me to bleed for someone, I've to feel it's values. And, fact is Im already sucked dry, like a zombie. I need juice.

I think I Like You

Yeah, I really do think so. Without any reason and without any warnings. If Im not sober, I might just take the risk of kissing you the next time I see you. Let's just hope I am high in control, or I might just end up fooling my self. Or for that matter, maybe hurt someone? And this stupid love songs, doesn't help at all. They just make me realise a lot more how I am that into you. Can we be close enough so that I can hug you for goodbyes and lean on your back when I tell you about my day? We don't have to get physical, or be in a relationship, we can just be close. We can have a special bond of friendship, and be alone sometimes, being lazy or just watching at the stars. I don't know. You make me want to believe in love again. You make me feel like, maybe it's worth the risk again. I don't know if Im only feeling this at this short moment, but right now it's just how I feel. And they're getting harder to contain. Maybe im hoping you could lead me out from the walls that I built to strain myself from crashing into love's cruel game. But then again, maybe I'm hoping you could remind me how love was once beautiful.

Fear

Emm okay, Im not ready to date yet. I prefer just hanging out with a few friends because that is by way more comfortable. Or maybe I am currently saving a spot for someone. I dont know. Because the minute I remember waking up you were all over my head and I wondered what the hell are you doing stuck inside here. Because I never thought I'd start to like you, in a special way. So Im not ready to go out with anyone else except maybe you. But again, why do I like you? That was least expected. Or maybe i'm just afraid of getting close to anyone so it's easier liking you without you knowing. This still leads to, I feel like just want to be surrounded by friends. Maybe because we are friends. Shucks. What am I afraid of?

Superhero

Will someone come save me? Im ready to break from this walls I built and maybe learn to have the feeling I thought was gone.

Your judgements

I stand by the moral, as long as I don't hold the title wife, mom, fiance, someone's girlfriend, I'm entitled to do anything in the social standards. Don't mock me, you are not as innocent yourself. Deep inside, everybody wants to break the rules, go against people, satisfy your needs. Dont you? you just don't have the guts to do it. So if I went against all odds, and kissed the guy I like, don't hate me for that. If I went against your moral, and befriend a lot of guys and hang out with them, don't hate on me because you didn't approach them in the first place. Please just remember this, just because I do that, doesn't mean Im cheap. Im just being young and enjoying life. IF I happen to be somebody's you bet I would behave and keep myself on the safe line I'm suppose to. But meanwhile, im just enjoying the perks of being single. Atleast Im not going around smashing hearts. If ever, Im the one who always endup crashed.

maybe its just me, maybe youre just annoying

First of all, people who loves to talk about other people like fucking all the time, are lifeless. I mean, it's okay to screw it up every ONCE IN A WHILE because we all do it out of boredom and fun. But not all the time.

Let's start the real story. This is for whom ever who feels like you are the person.

1. You who go on and telling every single people that you think have big names and used to be attached to me that you have seen me without a single thread, or atleast whatever parts that are interesting to your species. I remember all the guys I've been with and I am so very sure that I have never ever heard of you, let alone know you even existed. And your stories of you seeing me oh so intimately, I hope your fantasy's a good one, because that's all you're going to get. A fantasy. And Im sorry you had to make it all up to people. It satisfies you doesn't it? Well, you haven't laid any skin on me and that boy will never happen. So if lying makes you feel better, than I'm proud I could atleast save a sick person's life.

2. I don't mind you calling me a whore, a slut, all the names in the world you can think of. Be my guess. If that's going to help you move on. Plus I do admit, I was the one who left. But let me tell you this. I didn't regret doing it and I'm not going back. And kudos for saying them all out loud to my friends. I'm not afraid of what they may think, because by you doing so, I've learn who my real friends are.What gross me is that, you can call me that stuff, and then pretend you're my friend, or maybe leave me hints that we're going to be together. I'll say it loud now, that boy will never happen. If you hate me, don't talk to me. Don't even pretend that you're okay with us being friends. Two faced people are the worst. So if you want to hate me, please, hate me all the way. Don't pretend.

3. I remembered my last text to you being, I will love you forever. News flash, I don't believe in forever. I loved you, until about 5 months ago. I haven't found a way to forgive you yet, just pray I will. But please remember, I didn't leave you, you wanted to be left. I gave you your wish. I am glad, I walked out of our twisted love loop. And I will never be friends with your girlfriends or the girl that comes after her or anything. We can talk occasionally, but that will be it. I will not wait for you anymore. I've closed all my doors 5 months ago. I am not the good girl you used to know. Not intentioned to make you feel bad, but you help make the broken girl I am today. So pray, everything gets better for me.

4. Virtual or not, a person is still a person and their stories are as real as it gets. So don't try to dig into my past, present, secrets. Don't ask what I've done with guys or how many or all those topics related. I don't kiss and tell and I am not innocent. Nobody is. But that's as blunt as I can go. Don't hope for the details or anything like that because I'm not giving it away. I've had pretty good times and I've done well, but that's not for your entertainment. So if you want one, find another stupid girl to talk to.

5. I like you. but you're the same species as these four people above. And I've built a wall against all this so that I won't get hurt again. Because it's easier living in ignorance and pretending everything's fine. Maybe I just hope you can reach me, give me a reason to break these walls. Its becoming so hard to differenciate what's real and what's not. What I really want and what I think I want for the moment, but would only kill me in the end.

realisation

Cried in the car tonight. I was so full in pretending how much okay I am, then these tears fall. I'm such a mess in denial. Im not mad at anyone, Im just mad at how things are. I want so badly to go back, to that time when everything is normal. Normal. I think that word has pretty much die already. The everyday girl- to a broken girl. I have no idea how much fixing I need. Because I thought I was going through a phase. I lost myself, little by little and never realised it. Until now, when everything I used to be is gone. Now lies a girl searching for nothing, or searching and wandering. Thinking of a purpose. Every sign leads to a dagger, daggers awaiting to thrust themselves into my flesh. Have me. You already had most of me anyway. Just make it fast. Because Im tired of this game.

when truth lays itself

My life, right now, is like being in the driver seat, driving in the blizzard, with my wiper trying to help my vision get throught with little effect. I see it than i don't. i thought of other things and it went the other way round. Pretending seems perfectly fine to me, because well hey, Im good with playing games. But honestly, I am just tired. I'd rather it be, show me, or don't show me at all. With all my heart, I am not in for a relationship. Because, I have just found my freedom, and pretty much am enjoying it. But here's something I needed to clear off, I wouldn't mind having someone close to, someone to hug, someone to listen to and someone to talk to. Like being in a relationship, only without the commitments.. Because commitments, when you have them for long, you start to hate on each other, and start filing flaws. Maybe what I needed is someone I can call close buds, or okay maybe in a way, we can get physical just without the title, boyf or girlf. Not for the moment at least. Oh where ever are you, who ever you are, I hope I find you one day.

Delusions

So long ago, okay, well, not so long ago. I told myself that I am happy being alone, standing alone, not needing to love or be loved, truth is.... I think I realised, no human can do that until their last breath. Again, Im not regretting choosing to not be in any kind of twisted relationship. I love hanging around friends and believe me, my buddies are the best of kinds. They take care of my every single thread of problems and share every single bubbles of joy. But I dont know, maybe when I come home later at night, I'd love to talk about my day to someone, I'd love to hug someone. Maybe.

p/s: dear god, you work in a very very very mysterious way.

Hollow

While writing, I am still trying to compose myself. Telling my own mind how fast the world moves. For a while, I wished some moments were made to last. These memories keep chasing me, like a little boy who cries for his mom, reaching out and strecthing out as far as he can, trying to cope, but always seemed to fail. 2011. I painted a few rainbows, and stepped on a few muds. The most disturbing fact of all, is that I stopped believing in love. I finally faced the cold hard fact that forever never did existed. Yet, I tried to remember what it felt like. Almost there, and I fell right back into my cave. Right behind the walls I alone built, because of this tiresome game, because of the bruise festering non stop, because of human's selfishness and because of my broken self. I had contained myself, yet I miss those feelings, I still want those feelings, but my fear had grown stronger than my will. And lusts, they're having a riot, but my dignity enforced powerfool troops. Someday I wished, I'd find the little girl who believed in fairy tales. Someday I wish, the little girl will find its way back home to this soul less beating heart.

A rich man's world

I dont mean to be emotional, because that's gross. But currently i feel disfunctional. It's like, wherever or whatever organs that's responsible for producing feelings went on a rage against the control of my brain. Not to mention, I think I have headache. Probably of watching too much television. I feel sluggish, I feel hungry (yes, I get hungry that fast nowadays, or most part of the day) and I feel like I'm so stationary and I hate that. I want to move, do new things, experience stuffs. I want to own money, work maybe, Yes I need money I have so much on my wishlist, and not to mention my rage is probably just below my head for people that owes me money. If I were evil, I'd ask them to pay up today. Hey, a debt's a debt. And sometimes people don't realise how much in debt they are. Mostly, Im on wits end today. It's like nothing goes wrong, but nothing goes right either. Told you Im stationary. So want to go to the beach. So want to shop. So want to get away. So want to shop. Yup. shop. Again. money. Whoever created this whole money system? I wish there were still barter system. Did I spell that right? I hope I did. Well, we created this whole materialistic world, and without it, we'd be stupid enough wandering how to survive.

red boots

The red boots stepped outside to the smell of after rain, the smell of wet grass
What a perfect day to breathe and live.
Saw a rainbow for the first time. Thought it looked beautiful, with colours and all.
What a thought, what a thought. Played with it for a little while, amazed at the colours, curious and all. Only to find out it's the sun that makes it pretty, it's the eyes that's fooled with tricks.
So dissapointed boots made its way and stepped into a puddle of mud.
"This looks awkward, but it looks fun" and played with it for a little while. But the mud they smothered the boots. Dirty enough to destroy a pretty pair of boots, and so it made its way, away from the stains and the source of it.
Landed themselves in an ocean of flowers, mesmerizing the eyes of everything with vision. And so the pair of hands to the pair of boots picked it up and put it in the pocket. Taking care with love, protecting it from beetles and bugs. But a flower is just flower and flowers withers and crumples. Without their leaves they're not as pretty, and without their scent they are only fit for frames, but when they die, they rot, they're nothing. So the pair of hands to the pair of boots, left it to fall, back to where it came from. And so with that the pair of boots kept on walking.
And then they stopped to a stream of river. With rocks and fishes and some pretty lotus, turtles swimming and little amphibians scurrying for food and play. Such fun place to be, such fun place to be. and so the body attached to the pair of feet to the pair of boots decided to stay and explore. And as far as the story goes, the red boots never left, havent left.

2011

hey-ho new year! It's been a while since i've been writing but yeah. it's new year and my life's escalating uphill. And that's fuckentastic. To tell of for a start. It started with a bang in Melbourne. Oh yeah organisms, I spent my last week of 2010 in Sydney and Melbourne. I told you I was going to have it there and I did. Told you. This wolf hunts high and low for whatever she says she wants, and this wolf owns it big time. If there's a little piece you organisms could use for help, just remember this words, those who were fooled and used by people never lose a dime, not even their time nor their breath. Because whatever god lays for you, is the things that can make you grow wiser and see things wiser. And, whatever god takes from you, He pays you back double the price, with interests. i remembered the day of my sotuary, or just call it gloomday. I told god, "if you want to take this person away and he is not for me, than give me a better guy and let my life bloom in every, every other part, including health, wealth, education, and career.. in this case, my band."

Facto number 1:

This guy makes me feel perfect despite being imperfect
This guy tells me I look fine no matter how thrashed up I look like
This guy acknowledges everything I do
This guy lets me throw my tantrums without shouting back
This guy knows how to comfort me
This guy wont let me cry, and when I do, he wont stop until he knows im fine.
This guy pays for my lunch and mostly everything
and he doesnt count how many times he did it
or how many miles it is from my house to his
This guy is a smartiepants and a rebel at the same time
Oh he's just smart, he speaks German
This guy is a musician
This guy reads Shakespere and speaks good english.
This guy doesnt stare at other girls boobs and tell them how big they are when he's with me.
I know boys will be boys, but every girl deserves that respect.
.....seriously you want me to go on?

Okay basically, the main agenda was to brag. But who cares it's my blog and I write whatever I feel like writing. facto number two is that Shewolves's on radio. Not that it's a race, but god is fair. Pattaya show coming up, more to come hopefully.

Emm, hey. One day Im going to do great things. Cliche enough. But with every step I take and everystep I took, i'll set a bar one line higher. And don't, Im not any limited edition item, there maybe few of them but there's still numbers. I'm custom made. Built to perform and last if kept well. 20 years and in the making. There's no way to forge me. No replacements will fit well. Think back if any of you used to hurt, label, or even dirt-talk me, when I'm fully built, furnished and ready, those things you parasites leave, are just gonna be another form of art.