Cried in the car tonight. I was so full in pretending how much okay I am, then these tears fall. I'm such a mess in denial. Im not mad at anyone, Im just mad at how things are. I want so badly to go back, to that time when everything is normal. Normal. I think that word has pretty much die already. The everyday girl- to a broken girl. I have no idea how much fixing I need. Because I thought I was going through a phase. I lost myself, little by little and never realised it. Until now, when everything I used to be is gone. Now lies a girl searching for nothing, or searching and wandering. Thinking of a purpose. Every sign leads to a dagger, daggers awaiting to thrust themselves into my flesh. Have me. You already had most of me anyway. Just make it fast. Because Im tired of this game.
My life, right now, is like being in the driver seat, driving in the blizzard, with my wiper trying to help my vision get throught with little effect. I see it than i don't. i thought of other things and it went the other way round. Pretending seems perfectly fine to me, because well hey, Im good with playing games. But honestly, I am just tired. I'd rather it be, show me, or don't show me at all. With all my heart, I am not in for a relationship. Because, I have just found my freedom, and pretty much am enjoying it. But here's something I needed to clear off, I wouldn't mind having someone close to, someone to hug, someone to listen to and someone to talk to. Like being in a relationship, only without the commitments.. Because commitments, when you have them for long, you start to hate on each other, and start filing flaws. Maybe what I needed is someone I can call close buds, or okay maybe in a way, we can get physical just without the title, boyf or girlf. Not for the moment at least. Oh where ever are you, who ever you are, I hope I find you one day.