Tuesday
The lone wolf
I guess I've spent my life caring too much about people, who, well not necessarily care as much about me. I've always been the one to ask "hey you okay?" But it's rare that I get that asked. Like I don't need sympathy or pity I just wish for once I would have someone to vent to. I've always been an ear but I've never had a shoulder to lean on to. I know human is a filthy being but yeah I don't get how the filthiest of them all are always the luckiest and the ones who only intend good gets fucked over, like I did, a million times. Nobody cares that I'm constantly on a breakdown, constantly having doubts, and that I'm on the verge of giving up everything. I get it good things don't come easy but why do some people always seem to have everything handed on a silver platter? Keeping yourself together is a fucking tough job and I have no idea how much longer I can do this. I guess people always assume that I'm okay and that I'm strong because I'm really good at faking a smile even when I've been punched in the face. Well I tried to be strong for everyone, and I'm only doing it because no one actually cares. Everyone would just tell me, we'll hey you'd be happier if you just keep your expectations low. Well I can't have fucking low expectations, I tried and they chew me up inside, they drown me. That's like telling me to go kill myself. I don't even know what I really want. Something normal I guess, even though I don't really know what normal mean. I don't even know if I'm doing the right thing. Maybe I am a sadist but guess what I don't choose to be depressed and it's a goddamn miracle that I'm living through it day by day. I just wish, for once, thing would be easy. Things would go right. I can't have another breakdown, I don't think I'll survive it
Friday
Between Continents
April 2013.
From all the troubles in my life that I have been going through for the past 6 months, April was something I really looked forward to. When I broke up, I was really, broken far beyond repair. I keep telling myself that I will eventually pick myself up but pieces can only be put together so many times until you finally realise that they can no longer be fixed. I did pick myself up eventually but I left a lot behind. I stopped believing in love and being heartless came easy for me, given that I was one before, so failing in yet another relationship, was, pretty well anticipated. Although I've prepared myself it still hurts like a mother fucking burnt iron thrust into your flesh a thousand times. I didn't just get scars on my heart, cliche, but I also get scars on my physical, which I chose to cover up because I hated the pride the monster had for giving it to me.
But anyway April came and I was so excited to get away from the city which keeps feeding me the same bullshit. I've always been a beach lover, and I've always been a fan of Thailand, it's just a breeze over there, and going there with my bestfriend for the first time ever, just makes it even more memorable. I wouldn't want to clarify the details because a vacation is what it is and after all the things that has been going on, you can bet your dollar that I went all the way, no thoughts, just go with whatever the island had in store for me.
I went with everything I knew I would get from Thailand, peace, fun, serenity, experience, new friends, all but one. I've always been careful, and I never trusted people, that was one of my many flaws. I guess I just had too much curiosity that I always somehow find out the tiny lies people tell. Or maybe it's the fact that I have been surrounded by people who keep on lying to their partners. I never get the reason why and I hated that it has become so common. So when this tall guy came to me and confessed how he felt, I didn't take it seriously. Like I said, vacations gives you the luxury to do all that. So I shrugged it off. He got my attention yes he did, but I wasn't keen on getting my heart broken, because I know the next time it ever happens again, I don't think I'll surface.
Three days straight he kept telling me the same thing, three days straight I left with the bitchiest answer, because being a bitch is my best defense from falling for this guy. Usually it works, guys never want to waste time on girls that plays too hard to get,accept this one. I think he was already giving up when he told my bestfriend his feelings, and for some reason, I knew I owed him my time. I knew I needed to talk to him and get to know him and so I did.
It didn't take long for him to learn my darkest secrets, my most feared secrets. It took him a week to learn all the stories that I have never shared with anyone; and I did not tell him because it was part of the process or like it was part of any steps, it happened because I was so comfortable with him, and that without realising, I was actually putting my trust on him to keep these stories a secret. He learnt about my fear, my pain and my flaws, and he was still there, kissing my scars. We didn't have conversations like, "you will love this band they are awesome," in fact our taste in music is not that much similar, but our conversations always satisfies me. It satisfies me that I get to see the part of him that not many will get to see, it made me fell more and more for him because he was so honest and transparent. Like he can say the sweetest thing and I can look into his eyes and know that he wasn't trying to be sweet, he was being vague.
Right before I left for my flight he did the most unexpected thing. The incident that made me realise, this guy actually means something to me, heck he means a lot. I never thought I'd cry but I did, and it wasn't because I was hurt, but because I had finally find something worth holding on to, someone else other than my parents and my family that could actually love me despite my flaws, and that I had to leave him. A week together and now we're miles apart for another bloody six months. Because I had to go back to being a student and he had to go back to place where wi-fi is such a luxury.
We've been talking up until this very moment, and despite the shitty 8753miles distance, it's safe to say we've been closer. I guess he had his doubtful moments just as much as I did, and I worry all the time that he's just going to stop talking to me. I don't want to predict or say anything more than I should, but there is something about this man that screams "you've found a home" "you're safe" and it is a feeling I never wish to lose. This is by far the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life, so if it's true that people say "the greater the challenge, the greater the outcome" than I am fucking rolling with this shit whatever comes my way.
From all the troubles in my life that I have been going through for the past 6 months, April was something I really looked forward to. When I broke up, I was really, broken far beyond repair. I keep telling myself that I will eventually pick myself up but pieces can only be put together so many times until you finally realise that they can no longer be fixed. I did pick myself up eventually but I left a lot behind. I stopped believing in love and being heartless came easy for me, given that I was one before, so failing in yet another relationship, was, pretty well anticipated. Although I've prepared myself it still hurts like a mother fucking burnt iron thrust into your flesh a thousand times. I didn't just get scars on my heart, cliche, but I also get scars on my physical, which I chose to cover up because I hated the pride the monster had for giving it to me.
But anyway April came and I was so excited to get away from the city which keeps feeding me the same bullshit. I've always been a beach lover, and I've always been a fan of Thailand, it's just a breeze over there, and going there with my bestfriend for the first time ever, just makes it even more memorable. I wouldn't want to clarify the details because a vacation is what it is and after all the things that has been going on, you can bet your dollar that I went all the way, no thoughts, just go with whatever the island had in store for me.
I went with everything I knew I would get from Thailand, peace, fun, serenity, experience, new friends, all but one. I've always been careful, and I never trusted people, that was one of my many flaws. I guess I just had too much curiosity that I always somehow find out the tiny lies people tell. Or maybe it's the fact that I have been surrounded by people who keep on lying to their partners. I never get the reason why and I hated that it has become so common. So when this tall guy came to me and confessed how he felt, I didn't take it seriously. Like I said, vacations gives you the luxury to do all that. So I shrugged it off. He got my attention yes he did, but I wasn't keen on getting my heart broken, because I know the next time it ever happens again, I don't think I'll surface.
Three days straight he kept telling me the same thing, three days straight I left with the bitchiest answer, because being a bitch is my best defense from falling for this guy. Usually it works, guys never want to waste time on girls that plays too hard to get,accept this one. I think he was already giving up when he told my bestfriend his feelings, and for some reason, I knew I owed him my time. I knew I needed to talk to him and get to know him and so I did.
It didn't take long for him to learn my darkest secrets, my most feared secrets. It took him a week to learn all the stories that I have never shared with anyone; and I did not tell him because it was part of the process or like it was part of any steps, it happened because I was so comfortable with him, and that without realising, I was actually putting my trust on him to keep these stories a secret. He learnt about my fear, my pain and my flaws, and he was still there, kissing my scars. We didn't have conversations like, "you will love this band they are awesome," in fact our taste in music is not that much similar, but our conversations always satisfies me. It satisfies me that I get to see the part of him that not many will get to see, it made me fell more and more for him because he was so honest and transparent. Like he can say the sweetest thing and I can look into his eyes and know that he wasn't trying to be sweet, he was being vague.
Right before I left for my flight he did the most unexpected thing. The incident that made me realise, this guy actually means something to me, heck he means a lot. I never thought I'd cry but I did, and it wasn't because I was hurt, but because I had finally find something worth holding on to, someone else other than my parents and my family that could actually love me despite my flaws, and that I had to leave him. A week together and now we're miles apart for another bloody six months. Because I had to go back to being a student and he had to go back to place where wi-fi is such a luxury.
We've been talking up until this very moment, and despite the shitty 8753miles distance, it's safe to say we've been closer. I guess he had his doubtful moments just as much as I did, and I worry all the time that he's just going to stop talking to me. I don't want to predict or say anything more than I should, but there is something about this man that screams "you've found a home" "you're safe" and it is a feeling I never wish to lose. This is by far the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life, so if it's true that people say "the greater the challenge, the greater the outcome" than I am fucking rolling with this shit whatever comes my way.
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