Oh Birthday couldn't have gotten any better. So here i am, making sure you dont miss any bit of it.

The birthday eve

All plans of hanging out doing lepak the musical was cancelled because he had to babysit. So plans changed to girls night out. Well it was just shisha, but it was fun. The boys joined a bit later. And my car keys, well she left it in her friend's car so I decided to go back to get the other key. Oh and guess what, another she managed to open the car's door with another his key. Cool.

The birthday

Went to class for the sake of fake presentation. Yes, it was a false alarm. So went back and slept until he called. Drove to his house, and he drove me to Genting Highland. Wicked. Got free passes for the ride because it was my born day. and he took me to rides I never ever would get on if ever I was with other people. Went on that big ship swing, solero shot and roller coasters... which is not as extreme as the roller coasters I had in Japan, but enough to make me sick. So yeah, the ride down was hell. But I enjoyed him taking care of me :) That did give me butterflies.
Met the rest of the boys around 1 am I think. Head for Cherating around 3. Gosh, I have no idea what the trip on the way was like, because I was busy sleeping ;p All I know is we stopped at some rest area. I had my early breakfast there. Met with the rest of the boys in town, where they slept in a studio. Poor boys, they were all exhausted. Head for cherating, where some bath. I didn't because it was too hot I guess.

Head for Kemaman. They had their soundcheck, had some rest in the small room behind the venue. Collages went before Burnout. I wanted to go upfroant but I was wearing slippers, and the crowd was all around. Too heavy for slippers, screw you slippers :P But it was all good. Burnout, I got to see clearly. They both kick ass. I would see them again next time no doubt. Oh and then, in the back room, while I was sleeping, some funny incident took place. Even if I write them in words, you would never feel the same way as those people who were there. Once I got my chalet, I went bye-bye world.

The next day.

Head for the beach. Went and play catching waves. Those boys were crazy, but the made me laugh. Oh, we found the washing machine that went M.I.A. On the way back, they stopped at the river. It was holy cold, and I guess that's what makes them boys wicked wild. lol. Dinner in Wangsa Maju before heading back home :)

Nah, they are a lot more awesome if you were there. Im just writing this so I wouldnt forget :)


rise and shine

Hello world, you've got you're surprised set up long time havent you? Geesh you're a genius. I am enjoying everything that comes my way. Like, I used to be this little girl...... say, 4 month ago, I would be the little sadist girl who coils up in her blanket and wet herself in the shower and toil around the house wondering why things got so messed up. I was that psycho bitch. Or that pessimist. But like I said, I would always somehow miraculously pull it through and stay alive, and live a better one. And the fact is, LIFE IS FUCKEN GREAT MAN! not yet perfect. It aint never gonna be pefect yet, not without my mustang and my caddy, and my band touring in a trailer lorry, and my money flowing endlessly I could afford your soul -hah, could afford a private island would be cool enough. So yeah, 10 more years to go to reach those goals. Watch me soar!



When I hear songs that talk about fights, and bruises, I thought of how silly we were. How we end up the way we did. When people ask me what happened, I no longer want to explain, I don't feel like putting you on the bad side, I don't say your name, I just answered, we fought and that's that, and sometimes, I just smiled. When they ask if I am okay, I went yeah. Not because I am faking it, or hiding it, but really, I do feel okay. More than okay.

If you ask if I've met a guy, yeah I met a few. Remember when I told you, if I move, I move fast. I really meant them, not to sound narcissist, but I know where I stand, and what I am capable of. But honestly now, out of those few guys I met, there's this one that stands out. Unlike what you may think, he's the only one who lets me be honest infront of him, without judging me, without condemning my past and without predicting the future. If there were ever a moment I'd like to live in, and if it were logic to have one, he could make one happen.

Yeah I like him, I don't love him yet. Like Motley Crue sang, too fast for love. But the moment is just as good, I wouldn't even bother to think of what's going to happen. Honestly, I don't. Sometimes, I think I like him more each day, I even start to feel some kind of care, or a bit like love kind of thing. But... I wouldnt bother to decode.

Sometimes love brings you nothing but a contaminated ending. Which is why, if you're still wondering, I haven't called you yet. I don't plan to. I've thought about it, but I don't think it would do me any good. I mean, I've called you before, I don't want to chase after something that keeps on running away from me. Not anymore.

Most of all I guess, I love what I am having now. Just so you know, I kind of think he is better than you. I'm not comparing though, you have your crowning glory, but maybe you're not mine for the taking. Just maybe. It wouldnt be fair to compare 2 years to 2 weeks. Sometimes people change. But hey, thanks for teaching me to not to believe in things so fast :)


When it happens, it happens

The more I try to move on, the more memories chase after me. I wish forgetting you is as easy as amnesia. I want to be okay with everything that is happening, but somehow, the more I open up to the greatest things in life, the more I realise that this is all surreal. It's like waking from a dream of a dream. I'm not sure if we started off the right foot, I'm not sure if we ended up on the right foot either. All I know is, I start feeling your presence again, and it doesn't feel good. It's like, I have your ghost, when I know you're doing well out there, swiftly living life, pretending or not, you seem okay to me. Then I see you starting to talk to this girl, Yeah I know you talk to girls.... but it was easier when I didn't know about it. Come to think of it, I talk to boys too. I think I am better in it then you are. But I don't want to play this game. I don't want to get hooked just to prove that I am okay, or even just so that you won't be the first one to find another replacement. If you find one, it would break my heart, more like shattering it. But I'm like a phantom, Im there, but there's nothing I can do, I'm just there to watch our love die and smothered on to some piece of ego, and replaced by a new bloom. I wish you well. But I wish I would do better than you. I dont know, I guess it's hard not to love you anymore.



Yesterday night, I cried myself to sleep thinking about him. I suddenly remembered back how it feels like to hold his hand, to play along with his silly jokes and funny faces. All the promises he made about making me happy. He even appeared in my dream, with Marlott haircut. which is weird cause he and his long hair are unseperable. I thought about writing to him, telling him that although I am comfortable with trying to move on, I can't lie about my love for him, two years is quite long I guess. And having my birthday getting nearer and nearer, I remembered how imagining he would be there to celebrate it with me and yeah maybe I could have the birthday I so wanted, the one I've planned two months in edvance. I am sad now that I think of it. But I can never go back to the past, I do now believe there's a reason for everything that happens. I don't regret knowing him. I just wish there was a different ending to it. I guess we never really move on, Maybe it's time that makes the pain goes away... little by little. I wish someday I can love again, someday we would meet again, that someday, if he wasn't meant for me, that I would find someone better. That if he was meant for me, someday we could reconcile and talk things through. I guess, only time will tell, and as for the moment, I'll just go wherever life leads me.



I somehow feel good that I have this space to write. Although I dont write a lot. My life, it's moving. real fast. If my life was a car I'd say it moves to the speed of an SLK AMG. Not too fast like veyron, not to slow either. October was a good month.. with a tragedy for it's final bow. I broke up with the guy I never thought I'd have an end with. Yeah, I was starting to feel comfortable about us being together through storms and shits. To add up, he did told my aunt he was going to marry me next year. Yeah, I didn't cry when he left. I cried infront of him, and his friend. Because I thought it was only normal, not that I really wanted too. Well I'm glad it happened now. Too soon and I would've end up dead, too late and we'd both push each other to the ledge. I am in a content place I think. I don't remember how it feels like to be in his arms, or having him by my side. I know we were happy, but they all seem so distant, and Im lazy to jog for it. I guess you just know when it's time to let go. Maybe, too, I love him too much, I could let him go, so that he'd be happier. I somehow wished I had the chance to say this to him. But yeah, it's funny how friends can turn into sworn enemy. He didn't say he hated me, but I did. I guess it's easier that way.

And now Im going through transitions. It sure feels good to be single. But you can't make out and hold hands all the time anymore. Although you do get a little bit more of attention and response. Out of all this, I have my friends to live by, I have my family to live for, and I have my bandmates to run with, to chase the big dreams- the ultimate dream. And I did though had a crush on someone. Well to be honest, the way he talks attracts me a lot. Maybe I am that wolf falling for a bait. But it feels good, I wouldn't even bother to figure out what the consequences would be like, or even what the future would be like, it feels good to live in the moment, it feels damn good to act out of instinct, or hormones maybe. And having all this rotations in my life, I know I am going to be okay, and I know I am going to be on top of my wildest dreams or anywhere I set sail to. I know it feels good to have this journey.