Im not always strong. My feelings are not for you to play with. I am not a bet you do with your friends to see who wins. I am not a game you play to make you look like a hero or to make you look cool. Or an item that can make you go, " look, she came after me". I am not heartless and I am almost always fragile.

Im tired of your games. No, it's not cool to tell me how much you like the girl that just pass by to see how I react, and pretend I am okay with it. I am not. But you will never know will you? I can't pretend infront of you anymore. I can't be just your friend when you keep sending me mixed messages. If you want me to be just a friend, than let me know clearly. So I won't have any hopes on you.


the other halves

Had a long talk with my best friend today. About our relationship, and the fact that we're both single. I think me and her, we're like, we share something that others dont. No matter how much misunderstandings we get into, and how long we've lost contacts, we always seem to find our ways around each other. She's always going to be there for me and me for her. Not just that, If I had a relationship with a narcissist guy and broke up, she will go through the same thing. Not because we planned it, but it always happens coincidentally. Then I learn that she's sick. Like sick sick, need medication sick. I still can't believe it and I do hope she'll get better.

Chapter II

I think I need a boyfriend for these few but crucial reasons:

Life is boring at times. I want cute messages that makes my heart goes awh. I want to feel the magic again. I need cuddling. I need someone to tell me, "hey, Im here, it'll be fine". I need physical contacts a.k.a sex. {whaaattt, everybody needs itttttt. dont judge. im just outspoken} I need to have a life and purpose{not that he'll be my whole purpose, but having support is good}


forced hellos, rushed goodbyes.

Yeah, I am closing the door that was never opened. Or atleast I almost had it opened. Plastering the bricks that I almost break to allow you in. But you never really wanted to pull me out. So I'm staying in and straying away from you. I couldn't care less about you. Really. I move swift like a wind. In this pulling strings game, let's just say we're not elastic enough. I won't bounce back, we never had a chance to create that bond. So Im gone. Yeah, and I did say I am tired of games. So if it's game you're looking for, Im sorry but I bailed. I'm not capable of any heartaches anymore. Or maybe because, in order for me to bleed for someone, I've to feel it's values. And, fact is Im already sucked dry, like a zombie. I need juice.


I think I Like You

Yeah, I really do think so. Without any reason and without any warnings. If Im not sober, I might just take the risk of kissing you the next time I see you. Let's just hope I am high in control, or I might just end up fooling my self. Or for that matter, maybe hurt someone? And this stupid love songs, doesn't help at all. They just make me realise a lot more how I am that into you. Can we be close enough so that I can hug you for goodbyes and lean on your back when I tell you about my day? We don't have to get physical, or be in a relationship, we can just be close. We can have a special bond of friendship, and be alone sometimes, being lazy or just watching at the stars. I don't know. You make me want to believe in love again. You make me feel like, maybe it's worth the risk again. I don't know if Im only feeling this at this short moment, but right now it's just how I feel. And they're getting harder to contain. Maybe im hoping you could lead me out from the walls that I built to strain myself from crashing into love's cruel game. But then again, maybe I'm hoping you could remind me how love was once beautiful.



Emm okay, Im not ready to date yet. I prefer just hanging out with a few friends because that is by way more comfortable. Or maybe I am currently saving a spot for someone. I dont know. Because the minute I remember waking up you were all over my head and I wondered what the hell are you doing stuck inside here. Because I never thought I'd start to like you, in a special way. So Im not ready to go out with anyone else except maybe you. But again, why do I like you? That was least expected. Or maybe i'm just afraid of getting close to anyone so it's easier liking you without you knowing. This still leads to, I feel like just want to be surrounded by friends. Maybe because we are friends. Shucks. What am I afraid of?


Will someone come save me? Im ready to break from this walls I built and maybe learn to have the feeling I thought was gone.


Your judgements

I stand by the moral, as long as I don't hold the title wife, mom, fiance, someone's girlfriend, I'm entitled to do anything in the social standards. Don't mock me, you are not as innocent yourself. Deep inside, everybody wants to break the rules, go against people, satisfy your needs. Dont you? you just don't have the guts to do it. So if I went against all odds, and kissed the guy I like, don't hate me for that. If I went against your moral, and befriend a lot of guys and hang out with them, don't hate on me because you didn't approach them in the first place. Please just remember this, just because I do that, doesn't mean Im cheap. Im just being young and enjoying life. IF I happen to be somebody's you bet I would behave and keep myself on the safe line I'm suppose to. But meanwhile, im just enjoying the perks of being single. Atleast Im not going around smashing hearts. If ever, Im the one who always endup crashed.


maybe its just me, maybe youre just annoying

First of all, people who loves to talk about other people like fucking all the time, are lifeless. I mean, it's okay to screw it up every ONCE IN A WHILE because we all do it out of boredom and fun. But not all the time.

Let's start the real story. This is for whom ever who feels like you are the person.

1. You who go on and telling every single people that you think have big names and used to be attached to me that you have seen me without a single thread, or atleast whatever parts that are interesting to your species. I remember all the guys I've been with and I am so very sure that I have never ever heard of you, let alone know you even existed. And your stories of you seeing me oh so intimately, I hope your fantasy's a good one, because that's all you're going to get. A fantasy. And Im sorry you had to make it all up to people. It satisfies you doesn't it? Well, you haven't laid any skin on me and that boy will never happen. So if lying makes you feel better, than I'm proud I could atleast save a sick person's life.

2. I don't mind you calling me a whore, a slut, all the names in the world you can think of. Be my guess. If that's going to help you move on. Plus I do admit, I was the one who left. But let me tell you this. I didn't regret doing it and I'm not going back. And kudos for saying them all out loud to my friends. I'm not afraid of what they may think, because by you doing so, I've learn who my real friends are.What gross me is that, you can call me that stuff, and then pretend you're my friend, or maybe leave me hints that we're going to be together. I'll say it loud now, that boy will never happen. If you hate me, don't talk to me. Don't even pretend that you're okay with us being friends. Two faced people are the worst. So if you want to hate me, please, hate me all the way. Don't pretend.

3. I remembered my last text to you being, I will love you forever. News flash, I don't believe in forever. I loved you, until about 5 months ago. I haven't found a way to forgive you yet, just pray I will. But please remember, I didn't leave you, you wanted to be left. I gave you your wish. I am glad, I walked out of our twisted love loop. And I will never be friends with your girlfriends or the girl that comes after her or anything. We can talk occasionally, but that will be it. I will not wait for you anymore. I've closed all my doors 5 months ago. I am not the good girl you used to know. Not intentioned to make you feel bad, but you help make the broken girl I am today. So pray, everything gets better for me.

4. Virtual or not, a person is still a person and their stories are as real as it gets. So don't try to dig into my past, present, secrets. Don't ask what I've done with guys or how many or all those topics related. I don't kiss and tell and I am not innocent. Nobody is. But that's as blunt as I can go. Don't hope for the details or anything like that because I'm not giving it away. I've had pretty good times and I've done well, but that's not for your entertainment. So if you want one, find another stupid girl to talk to.

5. I like you. but you're the same species as these four people above. And I've built a wall against all this so that I won't get hurt again. Because it's easier living in ignorance and pretending everything's fine. Maybe I just hope you can reach me, give me a reason to break these walls. Its becoming so hard to differenciate what's real and what's not. What I really want and what I think I want for the moment, but would only kill me in the end.