rise and shine

Hello world, you've got you're surprised set up long time havent you? Geesh you're a genius. I am enjoying everything that comes my way. Like, I used to be this little girl...... say, 4 month ago, I would be the little sadist girl who coils up in her blanket and wet herself in the shower and toil around the house wondering why things got so messed up. I was that psycho bitch. Or that pessimist. But like I said, I would always somehow miraculously pull it through and stay alive, and live a better one. And the fact is, LIFE IS FUCKEN GREAT MAN! not yet perfect. It aint never gonna be pefect yet, not without my mustang and my caddy, and my band touring in a trailer lorry, and my money flowing endlessly I could afford your soul -hah, could afford a private island would be cool enough. So yeah, 10 more years to go to reach those goals. Watch me soar!

Pages

When I hear songs that talk about fights, and bruises, I thought of how silly we were. How we end up the way we did. When people ask me what happened, I no longer want to explain, I don't feel like putting you on the bad side, I don't say your name, I just answered, we fought and that's that, and sometimes, I just smiled. When they ask if I am okay, I went yeah. Not because I am faking it, or hiding it, but really, I do feel okay. More than okay.

If you ask if I've met a guy, yeah I met a few. Remember when I told you, if I move, I move fast. I really meant them, not to sound narcissist, but I know where I stand, and what I am capable of. But honestly now, out of those few guys I met, there's this one that stands out. Unlike what you may think, he's the only one who lets me be honest infront of him, without judging me, without condemning my past and without predicting the future. If there were ever a moment I'd like to live in, and if it were logic to have one, he could make one happen.

Yeah I like him, I don't love him yet. Like Motley Crue sang, too fast for love. But the moment is just as good, I wouldn't even bother to think of what's going to happen. Honestly, I don't. Sometimes, I think I like him more each day, I even start to feel some kind of care, or a bit like love kind of thing. But... I wouldnt bother to decode.

Sometimes love brings you nothing but a contaminated ending. Which is why, if you're still wondering, I haven't called you yet. I don't plan to. I've thought about it, but I don't think it would do me any good. I mean, I've called you before, I don't want to chase after something that keeps on running away from me. Not anymore.

Most of all I guess, I love what I am having now. Just so you know, I kind of think he is better than you. I'm not comparing though, you have your crowning glory, but maybe you're not mine for the taking. Just maybe. It wouldnt be fair to compare 2 years to 2 weeks. Sometimes people change. But hey, thanks for teaching me to not to believe in things so fast :)

When it happens, it happens

The more I try to move on, the more memories chase after me. I wish forgetting you is as easy as amnesia. I want to be okay with everything that is happening, but somehow, the more I open up to the greatest things in life, the more I realise that this is all surreal. It's like waking from a dream of a dream. I'm not sure if we started off the right foot, I'm not sure if we ended up on the right foot either. All I know is, I start feeling your presence again, and it doesn't feel good. It's like, I have your ghost, when I know you're doing well out there, swiftly living life, pretending or not, you seem okay to me. Then I see you starting to talk to this girl, Yeah I know you talk to girls.... but it was easier when I didn't know about it. Come to think of it, I talk to boys too. I think I am better in it then you are. But I don't want to play this game. I don't want to get hooked just to prove that I am okay, or even just so that you won't be the first one to find another replacement. If you find one, it would break my heart, more like shattering it. But I'm like a phantom, Im there, but there's nothing I can do, I'm just there to watch our love die and smothered on to some piece of ego, and replaced by a new bloom. I wish you well. But I wish I would do better than you. I dont know, I guess it's hard not to love you anymore.

Reminisce

Yesterday night, I cried myself to sleep thinking about him. I suddenly remembered back how it feels like to hold his hand, to play along with his silly jokes and funny faces. All the promises he made about making me happy. He even appeared in my dream, with Marlott haircut. which is weird cause he and his long hair are unseperable. I thought about writing to him, telling him that although I am comfortable with trying to move on, I can't lie about my love for him, two years is quite long I guess. And having my birthday getting nearer and nearer, I remembered how imagining he would be there to celebrate it with me and yeah maybe I could have the birthday I so wanted, the one I've planned two months in edvance. I am sad now that I think of it. But I can never go back to the past, I do now believe there's a reason for everything that happens. I don't regret knowing him. I just wish there was a different ending to it. I guess we never really move on, Maybe it's time that makes the pain goes away... little by little. I wish someday I can love again, someday we would meet again, that someday, if he wasn't meant for me, that I would find someone better. That if he was meant for me, someday we could reconcile and talk things through. I guess, only time will tell, and as for the moment, I'll just go wherever life leads me.

Transition

I somehow feel good that I have this space to write. Although I dont write a lot. My life, it's moving. real fast. If my life was a car I'd say it moves to the speed of an SLK AMG. Not too fast like veyron, not to slow either. October was a good month.. with a tragedy for it's final bow. I broke up with the guy I never thought I'd have an end with. Yeah, I was starting to feel comfortable about us being together through storms and shits. To add up, he did told my aunt he was going to marry me next year. Yeah, I didn't cry when he left. I cried infront of him, and his friend. Because I thought it was only normal, not that I really wanted too. Well I'm glad it happened now. Too soon and I would've end up dead, too late and we'd both push each other to the ledge. I am in a content place I think. I don't remember how it feels like to be in his arms, or having him by my side. I know we were happy, but they all seem so distant, and Im lazy to jog for it. I guess you just know when it's time to let go. Maybe, too, I love him too much, I could let him go, so that he'd be happier. I somehow wished I had the chance to say this to him. But yeah, it's funny how friends can turn into sworn enemy. He didn't say he hated me, but I did. I guess it's easier that way.

And now Im going through transitions. It sure feels good to be single. But you can't make out and hold hands all the time anymore. Although you do get a little bit more of attention and response. Out of all this, I have my friends to live by, I have my family to live for, and I have my bandmates to run with, to chase the big dreams- the ultimate dream. And I did though had a crush on someone. Well to be honest, the way he talks attracts me a lot. Maybe I am that wolf falling for a bait. But it feels good, I wouldn't even bother to figure out what the consequences would be like, or even what the future would be like, it feels good to live in the moment, it feels damn good to act out of instinct, or hormones maybe. And having all this rotations in my life, I know I am going to be okay, and I know I am going to be on top of my wildest dreams or anywhere I set sail to. I know it feels good to have this journey.

my wings

Here I am writing to you because as much as I'd like to, I don't think anybody could give me the best of advice, and nobody could be the desired listener. I feel caged. Well, I don't feel like that. I feel like I just wasted my time, my years, my teenage years. There's so many things I want to do. I want to tour with my band, just them. Play on a big stage with spotlights all around. I wanna hear the cheer, the adrenaline, I want all that. I want to see the world, I wanna see sunset in Paris and sunrise in Michigan. I wanna do things that sounds impossible, I wanna defy gravity. I wanna wear heels on a thursday night and get into a club and dance, then put on my boots and plenty of leather on Friday night and wham my guitar on stage. I wanna go shopping, without looking at any price tags. I wanna meet people, lots and lots of people. I want my old-fashioned car and drive all night without a fixed destination, just driving until I feel like stopping, steering where my hands wants to. I want to go study in the states, because I'd told that to myself since I was 10. Because mom and dad studied there, mostly because I just feel like I want to. Then live there for a while you know. I wanna try modeling, acting, dancing, speed driving, everything. I think I wanted to be like mom. She enjoys her sweet time, doing all the things she wants to back there in states. Geesh, sometimes it feels good if I could just catch the first plane to... I dont know, Netherlands maybe? That'll be pretty cool. I love plans, but maybe I just wish one day of spontanity (is that word?) with a best friend maybe? Alone seems promising too.

Ka-boom

I think I could explode anytime. At this point, I think Im just being lazy. But to think back, I'm not lazy. I did this and that, trying to make ends meet. But leading everything, isn't a good thing. Especially when you work with people who think, you need to ask the leader everything. I mean, can't you figure out yourself? I mean again, if we don't get the thing done, we're all at risk. Im okay with it, but I always make sure that my failure is the cause of my own action. But really, when you're at risk, do you ask someone else to hold your life line? Is that it? Can't you figure things out yourself? Do you need to be spoonfed? And ask me everything like, Im the leader so I am suppose to have figure out everything? I'm no robot people. I gave you a task, I gave myself a task. I didn't wait for you guys so why do you have to wait for me? For god's sake just get it done. Yeah well I didn't show up for two consecutive weeks but I took responsibilty right? It isn't my fault alone. Pssshh. forget it I'm not blaming anyone. After this, I'll just work for myself. No more leading, no more outshining, not that place atleast. It's just the wrong stage. Im shining alright, Im leading still, just somewhere else. And if I have to do it all over again, let's just say I've prepared.