Tuesday
The lone wolf
I guess I've spent my life caring too much about people, who, well not necessarily care as much about me. I've always been the one to ask "hey you okay?" But it's rare that I get that asked. Like I don't need sympathy or pity I just wish for once I would have someone to vent to. I've always been an ear but I've never had a shoulder to lean on to. I know human is a filthy being but yeah I don't get how the filthiest of them all are always the luckiest and the ones who only intend good gets fucked over, like I did, a million times. Nobody cares that I'm constantly on a breakdown, constantly having doubts, and that I'm on the verge of giving up everything. I get it good things don't come easy but why do some people always seem to have everything handed on a silver platter? Keeping yourself together is a fucking tough job and I have no idea how much longer I can do this. I guess people always assume that I'm okay and that I'm strong because I'm really good at faking a smile even when I've been punched in the face. Well I tried to be strong for everyone, and I'm only doing it because no one actually cares. Everyone would just tell me, we'll hey you'd be happier if you just keep your expectations low. Well I can't have fucking low expectations, I tried and they chew me up inside, they drown me. That's like telling me to go kill myself. I don't even know what I really want. Something normal I guess, even though I don't really know what normal mean. I don't even know if I'm doing the right thing. Maybe I am a sadist but guess what I don't choose to be depressed and it's a goddamn miracle that I'm living through it day by day. I just wish, for once, thing would be easy. Things would go right. I can't have another breakdown, I don't think I'll survive it
Friday
Between Continents
April 2013.
From all the troubles in my life that I have been going through for the past 6 months, April was something I really looked forward to. When I broke up, I was really, broken far beyond repair. I keep telling myself that I will eventually pick myself up but pieces can only be put together so many times until you finally realise that they can no longer be fixed. I did pick myself up eventually but I left a lot behind. I stopped believing in love and being heartless came easy for me, given that I was one before, so failing in yet another relationship, was, pretty well anticipated. Although I've prepared myself it still hurts like a mother fucking burnt iron thrust into your flesh a thousand times. I didn't just get scars on my heart, cliche, but I also get scars on my physical, which I chose to cover up because I hated the pride the monster had for giving it to me.
But anyway April came and I was so excited to get away from the city which keeps feeding me the same bullshit. I've always been a beach lover, and I've always been a fan of Thailand, it's just a breeze over there, and going there with my bestfriend for the first time ever, just makes it even more memorable. I wouldn't want to clarify the details because a vacation is what it is and after all the things that has been going on, you can bet your dollar that I went all the way, no thoughts, just go with whatever the island had in store for me.
I went with everything I knew I would get from Thailand, peace, fun, serenity, experience, new friends, all but one. I've always been careful, and I never trusted people, that was one of my many flaws. I guess I just had too much curiosity that I always somehow find out the tiny lies people tell. Or maybe it's the fact that I have been surrounded by people who keep on lying to their partners. I never get the reason why and I hated that it has become so common. So when this tall guy came to me and confessed how he felt, I didn't take it seriously. Like I said, vacations gives you the luxury to do all that. So I shrugged it off. He got my attention yes he did, but I wasn't keen on getting my heart broken, because I know the next time it ever happens again, I don't think I'll surface.
Three days straight he kept telling me the same thing, three days straight I left with the bitchiest answer, because being a bitch is my best defense from falling for this guy. Usually it works, guys never want to waste time on girls that plays too hard to get,accept this one. I think he was already giving up when he told my bestfriend his feelings, and for some reason, I knew I owed him my time. I knew I needed to talk to him and get to know him and so I did.
It didn't take long for him to learn my darkest secrets, my most feared secrets. It took him a week to learn all the stories that I have never shared with anyone; and I did not tell him because it was part of the process or like it was part of any steps, it happened because I was so comfortable with him, and that without realising, I was actually putting my trust on him to keep these stories a secret. He learnt about my fear, my pain and my flaws, and he was still there, kissing my scars. We didn't have conversations like, "you will love this band they are awesome," in fact our taste in music is not that much similar, but our conversations always satisfies me. It satisfies me that I get to see the part of him that not many will get to see, it made me fell more and more for him because he was so honest and transparent. Like he can say the sweetest thing and I can look into his eyes and know that he wasn't trying to be sweet, he was being vague.
Right before I left for my flight he did the most unexpected thing. The incident that made me realise, this guy actually means something to me, heck he means a lot. I never thought I'd cry but I did, and it wasn't because I was hurt, but because I had finally find something worth holding on to, someone else other than my parents and my family that could actually love me despite my flaws, and that I had to leave him. A week together and now we're miles apart for another bloody six months. Because I had to go back to being a student and he had to go back to place where wi-fi is such a luxury.
We've been talking up until this very moment, and despite the shitty 8753miles distance, it's safe to say we've been closer. I guess he had his doubtful moments just as much as I did, and I worry all the time that he's just going to stop talking to me. I don't want to predict or say anything more than I should, but there is something about this man that screams "you've found a home" "you're safe" and it is a feeling I never wish to lose. This is by far the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life, so if it's true that people say "the greater the challenge, the greater the outcome" than I am fucking rolling with this shit whatever comes my way.
From all the troubles in my life that I have been going through for the past 6 months, April was something I really looked forward to. When I broke up, I was really, broken far beyond repair. I keep telling myself that I will eventually pick myself up but pieces can only be put together so many times until you finally realise that they can no longer be fixed. I did pick myself up eventually but I left a lot behind. I stopped believing in love and being heartless came easy for me, given that I was one before, so failing in yet another relationship, was, pretty well anticipated. Although I've prepared myself it still hurts like a mother fucking burnt iron thrust into your flesh a thousand times. I didn't just get scars on my heart, cliche, but I also get scars on my physical, which I chose to cover up because I hated the pride the monster had for giving it to me.
But anyway April came and I was so excited to get away from the city which keeps feeding me the same bullshit. I've always been a beach lover, and I've always been a fan of Thailand, it's just a breeze over there, and going there with my bestfriend for the first time ever, just makes it even more memorable. I wouldn't want to clarify the details because a vacation is what it is and after all the things that has been going on, you can bet your dollar that I went all the way, no thoughts, just go with whatever the island had in store for me.
I went with everything I knew I would get from Thailand, peace, fun, serenity, experience, new friends, all but one. I've always been careful, and I never trusted people, that was one of my many flaws. I guess I just had too much curiosity that I always somehow find out the tiny lies people tell. Or maybe it's the fact that I have been surrounded by people who keep on lying to their partners. I never get the reason why and I hated that it has become so common. So when this tall guy came to me and confessed how he felt, I didn't take it seriously. Like I said, vacations gives you the luxury to do all that. So I shrugged it off. He got my attention yes he did, but I wasn't keen on getting my heart broken, because I know the next time it ever happens again, I don't think I'll surface.
Three days straight he kept telling me the same thing, three days straight I left with the bitchiest answer, because being a bitch is my best defense from falling for this guy. Usually it works, guys never want to waste time on girls that plays too hard to get,accept this one. I think he was already giving up when he told my bestfriend his feelings, and for some reason, I knew I owed him my time. I knew I needed to talk to him and get to know him and so I did.
It didn't take long for him to learn my darkest secrets, my most feared secrets. It took him a week to learn all the stories that I have never shared with anyone; and I did not tell him because it was part of the process or like it was part of any steps, it happened because I was so comfortable with him, and that without realising, I was actually putting my trust on him to keep these stories a secret. He learnt about my fear, my pain and my flaws, and he was still there, kissing my scars. We didn't have conversations like, "you will love this band they are awesome," in fact our taste in music is not that much similar, but our conversations always satisfies me. It satisfies me that I get to see the part of him that not many will get to see, it made me fell more and more for him because he was so honest and transparent. Like he can say the sweetest thing and I can look into his eyes and know that he wasn't trying to be sweet, he was being vague.
Right before I left for my flight he did the most unexpected thing. The incident that made me realise, this guy actually means something to me, heck he means a lot. I never thought I'd cry but I did, and it wasn't because I was hurt, but because I had finally find something worth holding on to, someone else other than my parents and my family that could actually love me despite my flaws, and that I had to leave him. A week together and now we're miles apart for another bloody six months. Because I had to go back to being a student and he had to go back to place where wi-fi is such a luxury.
We've been talking up until this very moment, and despite the shitty 8753miles distance, it's safe to say we've been closer. I guess he had his doubtful moments just as much as I did, and I worry all the time that he's just going to stop talking to me. I don't want to predict or say anything more than I should, but there is something about this man that screams "you've found a home" "you're safe" and it is a feeling I never wish to lose. This is by far the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life, so if it's true that people say "the greater the challenge, the greater the outcome" than I am fucking rolling with this shit whatever comes my way.
Sunday
Letters to you
Dear significant other,
I still believe that you are out there somewhere. My faith is wearing thin, but I still have faith left. If you read this, take me out of this misery. Please promise me that when you find me, you will make me happy especially when Im being so emotional without a reason. It's not that hard, all I need is a hug. Please dont let me fight with another girl for you, instead, fight for me to stay in your life. I am done fighting for a guy and ending up broken. You know I will love you with all my heart, so don't break it, or I'll have nothing left. Hug me when I feel insecure, hold my hand and tell me it's going to be fine. Call me before I go to sleep, or before you go to work. Text me at random times, eventhough I didnt text you. Never grow tired of telling me how much you love me and please, never stop loving me, eventhough I can be hard at times. Wipe my tears when I cry and dunk my head in your arms. Listen to me when I am mad at you, pull me in when I shout. Tell me all your secrets, and let me share your fears. Be honest with me, eventhough the truth will hurt. Heal my wounds, if you ever had to hurt me. Dont make me promises if you cant keep up with it, be real. and i will be yours. Until my last breath
I still believe that you are out there somewhere. My faith is wearing thin, but I still have faith left. If you read this, take me out of this misery. Please promise me that when you find me, you will make me happy especially when Im being so emotional without a reason. It's not that hard, all I need is a hug. Please dont let me fight with another girl for you, instead, fight for me to stay in your life. I am done fighting for a guy and ending up broken. You know I will love you with all my heart, so don't break it, or I'll have nothing left. Hug me when I feel insecure, hold my hand and tell me it's going to be fine. Call me before I go to sleep, or before you go to work. Text me at random times, eventhough I didnt text you. Never grow tired of telling me how much you love me and please, never stop loving me, eventhough I can be hard at times. Wipe my tears when I cry and dunk my head in your arms. Listen to me when I am mad at you, pull me in when I shout. Tell me all your secrets, and let me share your fears. Be honest with me, eventhough the truth will hurt. Heal my wounds, if you ever had to hurt me. Dont make me promises if you cant keep up with it, be real. and i will be yours. Until my last breath
Thursday
the real world
Here is my concern. I want to get my degree, and I want to continue my masters. I know my initial plan was going to Australia and enroll in RMIT, but after careful thinking, I plan to continue my degree here, an do my masters there instead, and settle there. Well maybe not settling there. This depends. Here are the reasons to why. First of all, Aussie is not cheap, and I am not under any scholarship. In order for me to get so, well I have to maintain a good grade atleast for the first year and try to get a scholarship for the second year. A year's cost of living is approximately $125,000. Approximately, this is if I save up. So in a way, this number has to be timed by three. Again, this is if I save up. Meaning, not going out a lot and cook at home. The reason for me to go to Aussie is not only to study but to have fun as well, and I think I know what I mean by having fun. Money is crucial. So, there is no use for me to study in Aussie if all I do is go to campus and go home. I can do that here, and still go out and not worry that much about money. Second of all, after going through several local colleges and universities, I realise I could transfer my credit hours and finish my degree in two years tops. One and a half or one year if Im lucky enough. I am 21. I want to have my degree as soon as I can and I want a good income, this being having a good job with a good and sufficient educational background before the age of 30. Yes, by 30 I would want to own my own car, my own house (apartment maybe) with my own money that I work my ass for and I want to be able to give my earnings to my parents, and like any other normal woman get married and have kids... bla bla bla. So the story goes. My point is, I think I should stay. I prefer to be independant. So I think I should stay, so I can get my degree fast, since its easier to do credit transfers and then continue my Masters in RMIT maybe. Then get a job and be an adult. Seriously that thought scares me.
Monday
clarification
I think I have lost touch at my poetic writing skills. Maybe because i realize, I used to write so good when Im sad and down, and that rarely happens nowadays. i want to write like I used to, but I hate sounding emotional. But anyways. Im admitting here, that in this blog, I will vent about guys a lot. Sounds desperate, but whatever. My blog anyway.
I here clarify that I am not heartless, or picky as most of you claim me to be. I just simply am not ready for a relationship or some sort, although sometimes I think I need to be in one. I have my funs with guys, physically. Honestly, I'd rather have a once-in-a-while physical-only relationship with a guy. Emotionally, I guess I am not ready to open up or let myself appear vulnerable to anyone. It feels like I'm losing, and I dont like the feel of losing? I like thinking I'm in control, and that boys cant bring me down, neither can a girl, speaking of. Not to mention, my confidence has galloped so high lately. I dont know why, it's like I have no fear of rejection, something I use to have a lot. Like I no longer care about other judgements towards me. This should be good right?
I here clarify that I am not heartless, or picky as most of you claim me to be. I just simply am not ready for a relationship or some sort, although sometimes I think I need to be in one. I have my funs with guys, physically. Honestly, I'd rather have a once-in-a-while physical-only relationship with a guy. Emotionally, I guess I am not ready to open up or let myself appear vulnerable to anyone. It feels like I'm losing, and I dont like the feel of losing? I like thinking I'm in control, and that boys cant bring me down, neither can a girl, speaking of. Not to mention, my confidence has galloped so high lately. I dont know why, it's like I have no fear of rejection, something I use to have a lot. Like I no longer care about other judgements towards me. This should be good right?
Thursday
read through me
I am so sick of guys. I do, I do want to have someone, who loves me, goes the extra mile for me, one that I am able to love back. I am tired of getting attracted to the wrong people. I do, tell them, they're going to forget me tomorow comes. I do, tell myself, to never at all have hopes. But in the end, I am only lying to myself. I know Im hurt. It doesnt hurt less no matter how many practices I've had. It just that I get better at diminishing the sadness from my face, I get better at telling people I am fine, and move on. I get better at handling it, but it doesnt make me feel any less painful. It hurts so bad everytime it happens. Sometimes it hurts even more than all the befores.
Monday
reality
what does enough means?
I have everything i think i need. Friends and family. But somehow i feel like i want more, need more. I think that is why i hide myself inside the party house. So i dont feel lost and without a purpose.
I have everything i think i need. Friends and family. But somehow i feel like i want more, need more. I think that is why i hide myself inside the party house. So i dont feel lost and without a purpose.
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