my wings

Here I am writing to you because as much as I'd like to, I don't think anybody could give me the best of advice, and nobody could be the desired listener. I feel caged. Well, I don't feel like that. I feel like I just wasted my time, my years, my teenage years. There's so many things I want to do. I want to tour with my band, just them. Play on a big stage with spotlights all around. I wanna hear the cheer, the adrenaline, I want all that. I want to see the world, I wanna see sunset in Paris and sunrise in Michigan. I wanna do things that sounds impossible, I wanna defy gravity. I wanna wear heels on a thursday night and get into a club and dance, then put on my boots and plenty of leather on Friday night and wham my guitar on stage. I wanna go shopping, without looking at any price tags. I wanna meet people, lots and lots of people. I want my old-fashioned car and drive all night without a fixed destination, just driving until I feel like stopping, steering where my hands wants to. I want to go study in the states, because I'd told that to myself since I was 10. Because mom and dad studied there, mostly because I just feel like I want to. Then live there for a while you know. I wanna try modeling, acting, dancing, speed driving, everything. I think I wanted to be like mom. She enjoys her sweet time, doing all the things she wants to back there in states. Geesh, sometimes it feels good if I could just catch the first plane to... I dont know, Netherlands maybe? That'll be pretty cool. I love plans, but maybe I just wish one day of spontanity (is that word?) with a best friend maybe? Alone seems promising too.

Ka-boom

I think I could explode anytime. At this point, I think Im just being lazy. But to think back, I'm not lazy. I did this and that, trying to make ends meet. But leading everything, isn't a good thing. Especially when you work with people who think, you need to ask the leader everything. I mean, can't you figure out yourself? I mean again, if we don't get the thing done, we're all at risk. Im okay with it, but I always make sure that my failure is the cause of my own action. But really, when you're at risk, do you ask someone else to hold your life line? Is that it? Can't you figure things out yourself? Do you need to be spoonfed? And ask me everything like, Im the leader so I am suppose to have figure out everything? I'm no robot people. I gave you a task, I gave myself a task. I didn't wait for you guys so why do you have to wait for me? For god's sake just get it done. Yeah well I didn't show up for two consecutive weeks but I took responsibilty right? It isn't my fault alone. Pssshh. forget it I'm not blaming anyone. After this, I'll just work for myself. No more leading, no more outshining, not that place atleast. It's just the wrong stage. Im shining alright, Im leading still, just somewhere else. And if I have to do it all over again, let's just say I've prepared.

It talks

Nobody likes hearing they're wrong. And I am wrong in a lot of things. I'm always over-protective. I am, but the only thing I'm protecting is me. I guess well you could say I'm selfish, I feel threatened easily. I guess. And I don't know why but this wall I build to protect my selfish heart, they made it hard to trust people. I trust you oh so badly, or atleast I believe I want to, I do, I wish it came like liquid, just flowing rapidly. But everytime I tear these walls down, I get hurt. And agony is a fear that lives inside me, one I've locked so far down I don't want to reach it anymore. I am afraid. Yes, because every scar on my body tells a story, tells of a journey, of how much pain I've gone through just to find you, to find my dreams, to get a hold on my dreams, and you're apart of the dream, this dream that I never want to let go. And I am too coward to fall again, too afraid to face anymore nightmare. I guess that is why I'm being who I am. I set you in a bad mood before you go out with your friends, because I can't accept the fact that you're having fun, while Im right here stationary. It's not your fault, I guess I just need more love. And it kills me slowly to know you're havig fun without me, and most of the times when I'm with you, I flame your bad mood. I'm always trying, I guess. So hard that I stumble infront of you that you feel.... annoyed. Losing you, I get so afraid, so stressed out thinking about it, because I fell it once with you before, when you told me we just can't go on. It felt like someone dragged your heart, grind them, and re-assemble them again just to go through the torture again, and then they pierce your body, every inch of them with bullets and nails to rusty metals, provoking you to inhale the suffocating fumes. I don't want to go through it again, which is whyI kept trying so hard. And sometimes we can't try too hard or we'll mess up things even more. So what am I to do? Sometimes I just wish I could feel what you feel, or even hear what you think. You're tough, I envy that in you. I want to be strong. I want to. Please tell my heart to be so. Teach me softly to be more positive. Please, gently.

hormones and screams

Have you ever been through that moment, more like hours, spending on fighting with that other person you love. You love, and you thought you've accepted him, good or bad, and the flaws they turn to silver linings. Yes you thought you could always see it that way. Sometimes, just sometimes we have mood swings, without any explanations, and guys wonder what in heaven we have in our mind. The answer is, we don't know. It's not that we dislike your behaviour, sometimes everyone needs a break. Sometimes screaming or crying without a reason feels good -without a reason. Because life is tiring, and something for a reason to blame on looks delicious. Im sorry, but if a woman is mad because she doesn't like the way you brush your hair, when it's actually something she just told you it was cute to do , than it's just what woman do to make sure they're still sane. It's just how our feromones work. Yes, and you keeping on criticising or trying to help, won't just cut it. The best thing to do- listen, go along with it, hug us, tell us how much strong we are etceterra etceterra. Even though it's a lie, it makes us feel better at the time. And that's all we need- to feel better. I keep telling myself, I cannot be so emotional I need to suck it all in and go through it with poise and grace. I keep failing. I guess it's okay to be lucid. We're not guys with big ego and girls will be girls. Yes girls will be girls, and a girl lives in every woman. A girl likes crying just to wash those epathy out, just to make them stronger. And not to mention, we need fights in relationship, just do it right, without both screaming and nobody listening. I think, to me a healthy fight is one where you could raise your voice a little, and both of you exchanging glares and voice rasing like in the debate, but in the end you are able to get your message through and the both of you forgive each other, and say you sorries. In the end of the day, there's always something to learn, and changing the way hormone work, is tough job, there's a 1percent success in it.