Letters to you

Dear significant other,
I still believe that you are out there somewhere. My faith is wearing thin, but I still have faith left. If you read this, take me out of this misery. Please promise me that when you find me, you will make me happy especially when Im being so emotional without a reason. It's not that hard, all I need is a hug. Please dont let me fight with another girl for you, instead, fight for me to stay in your life. I am done fighting for a guy and ending up broken. You know I will love you with all my heart, so don't break it, or I'll have nothing left. Hug me when I feel insecure, hold my hand and tell me it's going to be fine. Call me before I go to sleep, or before you go to work. Text me at random times, eventhough I didnt text you. Never grow tired of telling me how much you love me and please, never stop loving me, eventhough I can be hard at times. Wipe my tears when I cry and dunk my head in your arms. Listen to me when I am mad at you, pull me in when I shout. Tell me all your secrets, and let me share your fears. Be honest with me, eventhough the truth will hurt. Heal my wounds, if you ever had to hurt me. Dont make me promises if you cant keep up with it, be real. and i will be yours. Until my last breath

the real world

Here is my concern. I want to get my degree, and I want to continue my masters. I know my initial plan was going to Australia and enroll in RMIT, but after careful thinking, I plan to continue my degree here, an do my masters there instead, and settle there. Well maybe not settling there. This depends. Here are the reasons to why. First of all, Aussie is not cheap, and I am not under any scholarship. In order for me to get so, well I have to maintain a good grade atleast for the first year and try to get a scholarship for the second year. A year's cost of living is approximately $125,000. Approximately, this is if I save up. So in a way, this number has to be timed by three. Again, this is if I save up. Meaning, not going out a lot and cook at home. The reason for me to go to Aussie is not only to study but to have fun as well, and I think I know what I mean by having fun. Money is crucial. So, there is no use for me to study in Aussie if all I do is go to campus and go home. I can do that here, and still go out and not worry that much about money. Second of all, after going through several local colleges and universities, I realise I could transfer my credit hours and finish my degree in two years tops. One and a half or one year if Im lucky enough. I am 21. I want to have my degree as soon as I can and I want a good income, this being having a good job with a good and sufficient educational background before the age of 30. Yes, by 30 I would want to own my own car, my own house (apartment maybe) with my own money that I work my ass for and I want to be able to give my earnings to my parents, and like any other normal woman get married and have kids... bla bla bla. So the story goes. My point is, I think I should stay. I prefer to be independant. So I think I should stay, so I can get my degree fast, since its easier to do credit transfers and then continue my Masters in RMIT maybe. Then get a job and be an adult. Seriously that thought scares me.

clarification

I think I have lost touch at my poetic writing skills. Maybe because i realize, I used to write so good when Im sad and down, and that rarely happens nowadays. i want to write like I used to, but I hate sounding emotional. But anyways. Im admitting here, that in this blog, I will vent about guys a lot. Sounds desperate, but whatever. My blog anyway.

I here clarify that I am not heartless, or picky as most of you claim me to be. I just simply am not ready for a relationship or some sort, although sometimes I think I need to be in one. I have my funs with guys, physically. Honestly, I'd rather have a once-in-a-while physical-only relationship with a guy. Emotionally, I guess I am not ready to open up or let myself appear vulnerable to anyone. It feels like I'm losing, and I dont like the feel of losing? I like thinking I'm in control, and that boys cant bring me down, neither can a girl, speaking of. Not to mention, my confidence has galloped so high lately. I dont know why, it's like I have no fear of rejection, something I use to have a lot. Like I no longer care about other judgements towards me. This should be good right?

read through me

I am so sick of guys. I do, I do want to have someone, who loves me, goes the extra mile for me, one that I am able to love back. I am tired of getting attracted to the wrong people. I do, tell them, they're going to forget me tomorow comes. I do, tell myself, to never at all have hopes. But in the end, I am only lying to myself. I know Im hurt. It doesnt hurt less no matter how many practices I've had. It just that I get better at diminishing the sadness from my face, I get better at telling people I am fine, and move on. I get better at handling it, but it doesnt make me feel any less painful. It hurts so bad everytime it happens. Sometimes it hurts even more than all the befores.

reality

what does enough means?
I have everything i think i need. Friends and family. But somehow i feel like i want more, need more. I think that is why i hide myself inside the party house. So i dont feel lost and without a purpose.

Of cars and men

Is it just jinx or is it just me? If it was karma, that was unexpected. I was hoping my heart to get ripped not my car. What harm did my car ever done to anyone anyway? Okay, I got involved with someone elses boyfriend. So get someone to get involve with mine, when I have one. Stupid life. Anyone who throws a voice to me - Im sorry, you will forever today sound annoying.
Out of all the stupid yet cool accident that could happen, I chose to hit the cement wall upon avoiding a stupid car in the parking lot. That was dumb. Dumb as fuck to be exact. Urgh, just when I'd started to love that car. Someone just give me sleeping pills please. Its been long since Ive felt as fucked up as I am today. I even cried in the bathroom. Really self? So good at pretending to be heartless and strong, and cried for a car. So I love my car. So what. Cars dont break promises.

No room for past

Sweeping away the past fleshes again. I have a new present that I want none of your existence of. So today be the last day I hear about any of you (because i was forced to) Then it's ahoy to my new present. Well I like living this way, life's to full of surprises whether good or bad. But atleast, i know now I want to experience it with new people. So toodles old life.

Hey and anyway, I've decided what to call us. We're just teammates. When the team degrades we might or might not remain friends. But atleast I predicted this sooner so that I wont suffer much of an aftermath shock.