Fear

Emm okay, Im not ready to date yet. I prefer just hanging out with a few friends because that is by way more comfortable. Or maybe I am currently saving a spot for someone. I dont know. Because the minute I remember waking up you were all over my head and I wondered what the hell are you doing stuck inside here. Because I never thought I'd start to like you, in a special way. So Im not ready to go out with anyone else except maybe you. But again, why do I like you? That was least expected. Or maybe i'm just afraid of getting close to anyone so it's easier liking you without you knowing. This still leads to, I feel like just want to be surrounded by friends. Maybe because we are friends. Shucks. What am I afraid of?

Superhero

Will someone come save me? Im ready to break from this walls I built and maybe learn to have the feeling I thought was gone.

Your judgements

I stand by the moral, as long as I don't hold the title wife, mom, fiance, someone's girlfriend, I'm entitled to do anything in the social standards. Don't mock me, you are not as innocent yourself. Deep inside, everybody wants to break the rules, go against people, satisfy your needs. Dont you? you just don't have the guts to do it. So if I went against all odds, and kissed the guy I like, don't hate me for that. If I went against your moral, and befriend a lot of guys and hang out with them, don't hate on me because you didn't approach them in the first place. Please just remember this, just because I do that, doesn't mean Im cheap. Im just being young and enjoying life. IF I happen to be somebody's you bet I would behave and keep myself on the safe line I'm suppose to. But meanwhile, im just enjoying the perks of being single. Atleast Im not going around smashing hearts. If ever, Im the one who always endup crashed.

maybe its just me, maybe youre just annoying

First of all, people who loves to talk about other people like fucking all the time, are lifeless. I mean, it's okay to screw it up every ONCE IN A WHILE because we all do it out of boredom and fun. But not all the time.

Let's start the real story. This is for whom ever who feels like you are the person.

1. You who go on and telling every single people that you think have big names and used to be attached to me that you have seen me without a single thread, or atleast whatever parts that are interesting to your species. I remember all the guys I've been with and I am so very sure that I have never ever heard of you, let alone know you even existed. And your stories of you seeing me oh so intimately, I hope your fantasy's a good one, because that's all you're going to get. A fantasy. And Im sorry you had to make it all up to people. It satisfies you doesn't it? Well, you haven't laid any skin on me and that boy will never happen. So if lying makes you feel better, than I'm proud I could atleast save a sick person's life.

2. I don't mind you calling me a whore, a slut, all the names in the world you can think of. Be my guess. If that's going to help you move on. Plus I do admit, I was the one who left. But let me tell you this. I didn't regret doing it and I'm not going back. And kudos for saying them all out loud to my friends. I'm not afraid of what they may think, because by you doing so, I've learn who my real friends are.What gross me is that, you can call me that stuff, and then pretend you're my friend, or maybe leave me hints that we're going to be together. I'll say it loud now, that boy will never happen. If you hate me, don't talk to me. Don't even pretend that you're okay with us being friends. Two faced people are the worst. So if you want to hate me, please, hate me all the way. Don't pretend.

3. I remembered my last text to you being, I will love you forever. News flash, I don't believe in forever. I loved you, until about 5 months ago. I haven't found a way to forgive you yet, just pray I will. But please remember, I didn't leave you, you wanted to be left. I gave you your wish. I am glad, I walked out of our twisted love loop. And I will never be friends with your girlfriends or the girl that comes after her or anything. We can talk occasionally, but that will be it. I will not wait for you anymore. I've closed all my doors 5 months ago. I am not the good girl you used to know. Not intentioned to make you feel bad, but you help make the broken girl I am today. So pray, everything gets better for me.

4. Virtual or not, a person is still a person and their stories are as real as it gets. So don't try to dig into my past, present, secrets. Don't ask what I've done with guys or how many or all those topics related. I don't kiss and tell and I am not innocent. Nobody is. But that's as blunt as I can go. Don't hope for the details or anything like that because I'm not giving it away. I've had pretty good times and I've done well, but that's not for your entertainment. So if you want one, find another stupid girl to talk to.

5. I like you. but you're the same species as these four people above. And I've built a wall against all this so that I won't get hurt again. Because it's easier living in ignorance and pretending everything's fine. Maybe I just hope you can reach me, give me a reason to break these walls. Its becoming so hard to differenciate what's real and what's not. What I really want and what I think I want for the moment, but would only kill me in the end.

realisation

Cried in the car tonight. I was so full in pretending how much okay I am, then these tears fall. I'm such a mess in denial. Im not mad at anyone, Im just mad at how things are. I want so badly to go back, to that time when everything is normal. Normal. I think that word has pretty much die already. The everyday girl- to a broken girl. I have no idea how much fixing I need. Because I thought I was going through a phase. I lost myself, little by little and never realised it. Until now, when everything I used to be is gone. Now lies a girl searching for nothing, or searching and wandering. Thinking of a purpose. Every sign leads to a dagger, daggers awaiting to thrust themselves into my flesh. Have me. You already had most of me anyway. Just make it fast. Because Im tired of this game.

when truth lays itself

My life, right now, is like being in the driver seat, driving in the blizzard, with my wiper trying to help my vision get throught with little effect. I see it than i don't. i thought of other things and it went the other way round. Pretending seems perfectly fine to me, because well hey, Im good with playing games. But honestly, I am just tired. I'd rather it be, show me, or don't show me at all. With all my heart, I am not in for a relationship. Because, I have just found my freedom, and pretty much am enjoying it. But here's something I needed to clear off, I wouldn't mind having someone close to, someone to hug, someone to listen to and someone to talk to. Like being in a relationship, only without the commitments.. Because commitments, when you have them for long, you start to hate on each other, and start filing flaws. Maybe what I needed is someone I can call close buds, or okay maybe in a way, we can get physical just without the title, boyf or girlf. Not for the moment at least. Oh where ever are you, who ever you are, I hope I find you one day.

Delusions

So long ago, okay, well, not so long ago. I told myself that I am happy being alone, standing alone, not needing to love or be loved, truth is.... I think I realised, no human can do that until their last breath. Again, Im not regretting choosing to not be in any kind of twisted relationship. I love hanging around friends and believe me, my buddies are the best of kinds. They take care of my every single thread of problems and share every single bubbles of joy. But I dont know, maybe when I come home later at night, I'd love to talk about my day to someone, I'd love to hug someone. Maybe.

p/s: dear god, you work in a very very very mysterious way.