Rants

Since the last I wrote here, I have graduated my degree, went to Canada to be with the guy I liked and went to Australia only to realise how can you not love the country.

I loved Canada. Everything is different there. People are nice. Only thing that itches me is that they are so nice it's hard to tell if they are being fake. From my experience, they can curse and cuss about that one person and tell you how much they hated that person and then the next day when they bump into each other they'd go, "how are you buddy, let me buy you a drink." I can never process that. If I don't like somebody, you can bet that I wouldn't even bother being nice to them and I don't mind them calling me a bitch because in my world, if you're a bitch then the only side of me you're gonna get is the same probably better reflection of how you are treating me. Hmm and the fact that Brandon is a city itches me as well. It's a town, not a city. When people say city I imagine skyscrapers and modern architectures. If that small somewhat a little bit facilitated place is a city, than what is Vancouver? or Toronto? or Ontario? Not to mention, the bars are an-ok. Girls dance and dress (most of them if not all, but hey there's a bunch in every city) like skanks. No wonder he said to me once, "people only go to clubs to get laid." And after seeing the environment, I agree. Girls grind on any dicks on sight like a beggar kissing gold. Country girls may be tough I admit that they are, but City girls has class I think. We don't chase after guys, certainly don't go to clubs to get laid (I mean a small percentage do, like I said there's one in every city). And if a guy wants to be, and I said BE with a girl, than he better be a gentleman. Because trying to grind on a random girl will only get you thrown out of club and get slapped. And because no, we won't act desperate and yes we want to be treated special, a girl should know her worth unless you don't mind being just another number on that guy's list of used goods. Okay, let me just round this up. The way most (when I say that I meant 90%) of the girls act is like basically wearing a shirt that says, "fuck me please, Im horny". Gosh it feels so good to finally be able to get this off my chest. And there's no shopping malls. Okay there is but yeah, I'd rather Regina. Then again what do I know I've only been to and seen 2 towns. No wait, Regina is a city.



Okay so those would be the only thing I hated. Apart from that the small towns like Redvers and Carlile and all the rest of the towns, they are heaven. Breath-taking, calming, safe. If I make enough money, which I'm gonna make sure I will, I might even retire there. Why not. It's heaven. Love the people, love the food, love the sunsets. One good thing that I salute them over the city wanderers would be they dont judge you by what you do. They don't care if your job isn't the highest ranking. They don't judge basically. Well atleast not loudly. City people judge, a lot. And I admit it, I do it to sometimes. Ok well now that all the hatred is off my chest.

Redvers

Today would mark my one week being away from home, and although I've been away from home a lot of times that it would make no significance for me to write this one down, this one is different. This time I'm more that 5 thousand miles away from home. I'm sitting here on a Sunday morning overseeing the broad land of a small yet friendly town of Redvers, writing this blog, while my friends and family are already deep asleep, preparing for a busy Monday.

Six months ago I would never thought I would be here. Yes I took a job,my first real job (besides my internship with an advertising company) and I guess I was quite blessed that even though my pay was average, or maybe below average, I had good friends to work with, and I never felt like I had to struggle between work and study. And while most of my friends splurge their paycheck on lavish food and shoes and drinks, I had mine kept. I cook so that I don't have to use my money for food. I guess you could call me a cheapskate, but I badly wanted to go to Canada and I always get what I want, no matter what it takes. And come on, I don't think I need a new pair of branded sneakers that I would only wear a couple of times just to fit in and impress the people that I don't even really like, I might as well just save up for this trip. I'd always just travel over materials, anytime.

A woman I met on my flight from Vancouver to Regina told me, "the last wait is always the longest." Oh I get what she meant. My seat was the last and I had to wait for everyone to go out, I guess it took them a mere 10 minutes, but it felt like forever, and when I finally get to go, I was so excited that if it was up to me and if no one was looking, I would've just run and give him a tight hug and not let go. At all. But I wouldn't do that because I would look like a spastic, and I badly needed to use the washroom. I did hug him though, for the first few minutes it kinda felt surreal watching him waiting for me as I went down the elevator. Okay, well this few lines might sound lame along with some other stuff that I might say, but screw it, its my blog, and I finally get to see him after almost half a year, if any, I deserve to be excited. And the torture of flying 30 hours, gone. It felt good to be in his arm, to just cuddle there on the sofa watching the series from his grandpa's vintage tv. Somehow, 8000 miles away in a land where I absolutely am new to, he managed to make me feel at home. 

The lone wolf

I guess I've spent my life caring too much about people, who, well not necessarily care as much about me. I've always been the one to ask "hey you okay?" But it's rare that I get that asked. Like I don't need sympathy or pity I just wish for once I would have someone to vent to. I've always been an ear but I've never had a shoulder to lean on to. I know human is a filthy being but yeah I don't get how the filthiest of them all are always the luckiest and the ones who only intend good gets fucked over, like I did, a million times. Nobody cares that I'm constantly on a breakdown, constantly having doubts, and that I'm on the verge of giving up everything. I get it good things don't come easy but why do some people always seem to have everything handed on a silver platter? Keeping yourself together is a fucking tough job and I have no idea how much longer I can do this. I guess people always assume that I'm okay and that I'm strong because I'm really good at faking a smile even when I've been punched in the face. Well I tried to be strong for everyone, and I'm only doing it because no one actually cares. Everyone would just tell me, we'll hey you'd be happier if you just keep your expectations low. Well I can't have fucking low expectations, I tried and they chew me up inside, they drown me. That's like telling me to go kill myself. I don't even know what I really want. Something normal I guess, even though I don't really know what normal mean. I don't even know if I'm doing the right thing. Maybe I am a sadist but guess what I don't choose to be depressed and it's a goddamn miracle that I'm living through it day by day. I just wish, for once, thing would be easy. Things would go right. I can't have another breakdown, I don't think I'll survive it

Between Continents

April 2013.
From all the troubles in my life that I have been going through for the past 6 months, April was something I really looked forward to. When I broke up, I was really, broken far beyond repair. I keep telling myself that I will eventually pick myself up but pieces can only be put together so many times until you finally realise that they can no longer be fixed. I did pick myself up eventually but I left a lot behind. I stopped believing in love and being heartless came easy for me, given that I was one before, so failing in yet another relationship, was, pretty well anticipated. Although I've prepared myself it still hurts like a mother fucking burnt iron thrust into your flesh a thousand times. I didn't just get scars on my heart, cliche, but I also get scars on my physical, which I chose to cover up because I hated the pride the monster had for giving it to me.

But anyway April came and I was so excited to get away from the city which keeps feeding me the same bullshit. I've always been a beach lover, and I've always been a fan of Thailand, it's just a breeze over there, and going there with my bestfriend for the first time ever, just makes it even more memorable. I wouldn't want to clarify the details because a vacation is what it is and after all the things that has been going on, you can bet your dollar that I went all the way, no thoughts, just go with whatever the island had in store for me.

I went with everything I knew I would get from Thailand, peace, fun, serenity, experience, new friends, all but one. I've always been careful, and I never trusted people, that was one of my many flaws. I guess I just had too much curiosity that I always somehow find out the tiny lies people tell. Or maybe it's the fact that I have been surrounded by people who keep on lying to their partners. I never get the reason why and I hated that it has become so common. So when this tall guy came to me and confessed how he felt, I didn't take it seriously. Like I said, vacations gives you the luxury to do all that. So I shrugged it off. He got my attention yes he did, but I wasn't keen on getting my heart broken, because I know the next time it ever happens again, I don't think I'll surface.

Three days straight he kept telling me the same thing, three days straight I left with the bitchiest answer, because being a bitch is my best defense from falling for this guy. Usually it works, guys never want to waste time on girls that plays too hard to get,accept this one. I think he was already giving up when he told my bestfriend his feelings, and for some reason, I knew I owed him my time. I knew I needed to talk to him and get to know him and so I did.

It didn't take long for him to learn my darkest secrets, my most feared secrets. It took him a week to learn all the stories that I have never shared with anyone; and I did not tell him because it was part of the process or like it was part of any steps, it happened because I was so comfortable with him, and that without realising, I was actually putting my trust on him to keep these stories a secret. He learnt about my fear, my pain and my flaws, and he was still there, kissing my scars. We didn't have conversations like, "you will love this band they are awesome," in fact our taste in music is not that much similar, but our conversations always satisfies me. It satisfies me that I get to see the part of him that not many will get to see, it made me fell more and more for him because he was so honest and transparent. Like he can say the sweetest thing and I can look into his eyes and know that he wasn't trying to be sweet, he was being vague.

Right before I left for my flight he did the most unexpected thing. The incident that made me realise, this guy actually means something to me, heck he means a lot. I never thought I'd cry but I did, and it wasn't because I was hurt, but because I had finally find something worth holding on to, someone else other than my parents and my family that could actually love me despite my flaws, and that I had to leave him. A week together and now we're miles apart for another bloody six months. Because I had to go back to being a student and he had to go back to place where wi-fi is such a luxury.

We've been talking up until this very moment, and despite the shitty 8753miles distance, it's safe to say we've been closer. I guess he had his doubtful moments just as much as I did, and I worry all the time that he's just going to stop talking to me. I don't want to predict or say anything more than I should, but there is something about this man that screams "you've found a home" "you're safe" and it is a feeling I never wish to lose. This is by far the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life, so if it's true that people say "the greater the challenge, the greater the outcome" than I am fucking rolling with this shit whatever comes my way.

Letters to you

Dear significant other,
I still believe that you are out there somewhere. My faith is wearing thin, but I still have faith left. If you read this, take me out of this misery. Please promise me that when you find me, you will make me happy especially when Im being so emotional without a reason. It's not that hard, all I need is a hug. Please dont let me fight with another girl for you, instead, fight for me to stay in your life. I am done fighting for a guy and ending up broken. You know I will love you with all my heart, so don't break it, or I'll have nothing left. Hug me when I feel insecure, hold my hand and tell me it's going to be fine. Call me before I go to sleep, or before you go to work. Text me at random times, eventhough I didnt text you. Never grow tired of telling me how much you love me and please, never stop loving me, eventhough I can be hard at times. Wipe my tears when I cry and dunk my head in your arms. Listen to me when I am mad at you, pull me in when I shout. Tell me all your secrets, and let me share your fears. Be honest with me, eventhough the truth will hurt. Heal my wounds, if you ever had to hurt me. Dont make me promises if you cant keep up with it, be real. and i will be yours. Until my last breath

the real world

Here is my concern. I want to get my degree, and I want to continue my masters. I know my initial plan was going to Australia and enroll in RMIT, but after careful thinking, I plan to continue my degree here, an do my masters there instead, and settle there. Well maybe not settling there. This depends. Here are the reasons to why. First of all, Aussie is not cheap, and I am not under any scholarship. In order for me to get so, well I have to maintain a good grade atleast for the first year and try to get a scholarship for the second year. A year's cost of living is approximately $125,000. Approximately, this is if I save up. So in a way, this number has to be timed by three. Again, this is if I save up. Meaning, not going out a lot and cook at home. The reason for me to go to Aussie is not only to study but to have fun as well, and I think I know what I mean by having fun. Money is crucial. So, there is no use for me to study in Aussie if all I do is go to campus and go home. I can do that here, and still go out and not worry that much about money. Second of all, after going through several local colleges and universities, I realise I could transfer my credit hours and finish my degree in two years tops. One and a half or one year if Im lucky enough. I am 21. I want to have my degree as soon as I can and I want a good income, this being having a good job with a good and sufficient educational background before the age of 30. Yes, by 30 I would want to own my own car, my own house (apartment maybe) with my own money that I work my ass for and I want to be able to give my earnings to my parents, and like any other normal woman get married and have kids... bla bla bla. So the story goes. My point is, I think I should stay. I prefer to be independant. So I think I should stay, so I can get my degree fast, since its easier to do credit transfers and then continue my Masters in RMIT maybe. Then get a job and be an adult. Seriously that thought scares me.

clarification

I think I have lost touch at my poetic writing skills. Maybe because i realize, I used to write so good when Im sad and down, and that rarely happens nowadays. i want to write like I used to, but I hate sounding emotional. But anyways. Im admitting here, that in this blog, I will vent about guys a lot. Sounds desperate, but whatever. My blog anyway.

I here clarify that I am not heartless, or picky as most of you claim me to be. I just simply am not ready for a relationship or some sort, although sometimes I think I need to be in one. I have my funs with guys, physically. Honestly, I'd rather have a once-in-a-while physical-only relationship with a guy. Emotionally, I guess I am not ready to open up or let myself appear vulnerable to anyone. It feels like I'm losing, and I dont like the feel of losing? I like thinking I'm in control, and that boys cant bring me down, neither can a girl, speaking of. Not to mention, my confidence has galloped so high lately. I dont know why, it's like I have no fear of rejection, something I use to have a lot. Like I no longer care about other judgements towards me. This should be good right?

read through me

I am so sick of guys. I do, I do want to have someone, who loves me, goes the extra mile for me, one that I am able to love back. I am tired of getting attracted to the wrong people. I do, tell them, they're going to forget me tomorow comes. I do, tell myself, to never at all have hopes. But in the end, I am only lying to myself. I know Im hurt. It doesnt hurt less no matter how many practices I've had. It just that I get better at diminishing the sadness from my face, I get better at telling people I am fine, and move on. I get better at handling it, but it doesnt make me feel any less painful. It hurts so bad everytime it happens. Sometimes it hurts even more than all the befores.

reality

what does enough means?
I have everything i think i need. Friends and family. But somehow i feel like i want more, need more. I think that is why i hide myself inside the party house. So i dont feel lost and without a purpose.

Of cars and men

Is it just jinx or is it just me? If it was karma, that was unexpected. I was hoping my heart to get ripped not my car. What harm did my car ever done to anyone anyway? Okay, I got involved with someone elses boyfriend. So get someone to get involve with mine, when I have one. Stupid life. Anyone who throws a voice to me - Im sorry, you will forever today sound annoying.
Out of all the stupid yet cool accident that could happen, I chose to hit the cement wall upon avoiding a stupid car in the parking lot. That was dumb. Dumb as fuck to be exact. Urgh, just when I'd started to love that car. Someone just give me sleeping pills please. Its been long since Ive felt as fucked up as I am today. I even cried in the bathroom. Really self? So good at pretending to be heartless and strong, and cried for a car. So I love my car. So what. Cars dont break promises.

No room for past

Sweeping away the past fleshes again. I have a new present that I want none of your existence of. So today be the last day I hear about any of you (because i was forced to) Then it's ahoy to my new present. Well I like living this way, life's to full of surprises whether good or bad. But atleast, i know now I want to experience it with new people. So toodles old life.

Hey and anyway, I've decided what to call us. We're just teammates. When the team degrades we might or might not remain friends. But atleast I predicted this sooner so that I wont suffer much of an aftermath shock.

Like the wind through your skin

I think I am becoming heartless. Not fully, but getting there. Guess pretending to have no feelings has taken it's toll on me. I love it everytime I see you, although I pretended not to care. Because it's wrong for me to care, and I can't let myself get hurt again. But lately, it's getting harder for me to act like a faceless. idgaf, always chilled up girl.... because you're starting to know a lot about me. The facts about me that i don't even bother telling people, and that me myself aren't aware of. Like the number of bangles i wear everyday. Nobody cared, not even me. But you counted them.

Anyway, its pointless. You will always be with her. I will one day get over you or maybe not bother about you at all. So I guess... here's to another passing memory.

Blunt and Real

Okay, maybe it's my hormones. But, hey captain, what the fuck are you doing screwing up my life? Well okay it's not screwed up. Please just be faithful to your girlfriend. You're now making it hard for me. If she finds out, you can never imagine the hurt you put on her. So please, be a good man.

Hey heart, could you fucking decide what you want? You know you miss having a boyfriend, but everytime a guy tries to get close you back out. Why? You're giving nobody a chance and you're chasing someone else's life. Well, not chasing. Just.... hoping? You tell yourself ever so often that it's cool cause you're not into commitments (which is partially true) but you're hoping a guy could go that extra mile to love you. Will there ever be?

Placebo

okay the pace is slowing down again. I wanna dance with new people. Infact I wanna meet new people. Everyone I know is of same behaviour. Playing around fooling themselves. What is up with people? I liked myself when I was 18. I am loving myself right now, I just wished somewhere inside me I'm still capable of loving. I thought love was a simple thing.

when it's time

No. I won't be playing your game forever. You can't tell me not to fall in love so that you could have me until you want to. No. I am not your doll, There's no you written on me. We are just a phase, a loop, ghosts playing around. To the world we don't exist, and to the world we will never be. I will come and go as I may and so will you. We are not each other's lighthouse nor are we each other's ship. We're just tides, it's there for fun, for surfing, and a signal the water's still there. But we will pass and nobody will care of it no more. That's what you and I are, non-existance.

a weird occurence

Hey you, isn't it just weird? How I never really notice how I feel until I saw you with her the whole night and morning after? I guess I like trippin' with you better than I liked it with him. Well oh whatever, feelings can come and eventually will go, and so far confusion is my life story.

I hope the night never ends. I want to feel happy and content in someone's arms. Feel like the lucky girl you shared your world with. Whoever you are. Well, if you're looking, please don't quit. Because I so wish you'd find me, and make me believe in love once again.

Love Replica

I know this is as far as it gets. I know it's as real as the skin I'm wearing. You make me turn into one whole bad person I avoided to be, I once hated, I promised I'd never become. I'm more selfish than I'd ever knew. Every time you open up a little bit more, I get sucked in a little deeper into your blackhole. Deep enough, my heart will burst into pixie tiny dust. I wished I knew you earlier.... or later. It's like volunteering for a homocide. I am after all, just that wild girl who fills in that empty space... an empty space you don't mind leaving. Like firefighter trucks every boy keeps up in the attic for years and years and will never bother peeking at once they get married. I am that firefighter truck, to watch and live your wildest fantasy. Fantasy, never your reality. She is. She is the tatoo on your skin, forever carved in, like blood through your veins. In a way I wished I could take her spot. But Im not mean enough. And I know, your real happiness is with her. I am not that girl to destroy your happiness. But just for a while, I would love to have those memories. Just for some time.

Denial denied

you found it than you dont. you nurture it, only to find out that it's torturing your spine, making you weighing more than you should. What would you choose? A selfish act that will hurt you and another person for a little taste of heaven, or an act that will make you seem loyal, but vulnerable, and could just be an act of stupidity? To tell of, both options equals to stupidity. Silly heart, silly silly heart.

You

Im not always strong. My feelings are not for you to play with. I am not a bet you do with your friends to see who wins. I am not a game you play to make you look like a hero or to make you look cool. Or an item that can make you go, " look, she came after me". I am not heartless and I am almost always fragile.

Im tired of your games. No, it's not cool to tell me how much you like the girl that just pass by to see how I react, and pretend I am okay with it. I am not. But you will never know will you? I can't pretend infront of you anymore. I can't be just your friend when you keep sending me mixed messages. If you want me to be just a friend, than let me know clearly. So I won't have any hopes on you.

the other halves

Had a long talk with my best friend today. About our relationship, and the fact that we're both single. I think me and her, we're like, we share something that others dont. No matter how much misunderstandings we get into, and how long we've lost contacts, we always seem to find our ways around each other. She's always going to be there for me and me for her. Not just that, If I had a relationship with a narcissist guy and broke up, she will go through the same thing. Not because we planned it, but it always happens coincidentally. Then I learn that she's sick. Like sick sick, need medication sick. I still can't believe it and I do hope she'll get better.

Chapter II

I think I need a boyfriend for these few but crucial reasons:

Life is boring at times. I want cute messages that makes my heart goes awh. I want to feel the magic again. I need cuddling. I need someone to tell me, "hey, Im here, it'll be fine". I need physical contacts a.k.a sex. {whaaattt, everybody needs itttttt. dont judge. im just outspoken} I need to have a life and purpose{not that he'll be my whole purpose, but having support is good}