Since the last I wrote here, I have graduated my degree, went to Canada to be with the guy I liked and went to Australia only to realise how can you not love the country.
I loved Canada. Everything is different there. People are nice. Only thing that itches me is that they are so nice it's hard to tell if they are being fake. From my experience, they can curse and cuss about that one person and tell you how much they hated that person and then the next day when they bump into each other they'd go, "how are you buddy, let me buy you a drink." I can never process that. If I don't like somebody, you can bet that I wouldn't even bother being nice to them and I don't mind them calling me a bitch because in my world, if you're a bitch then the only side of me you're gonna get is the same probably better reflection of how you are treating me. Hmm and the fact that Brandon is a city itches me as well. It's a town, not a city. When people say city I imagine skyscrapers and modern architectures. If that small somewhat a little bit facilitated place is a city, than what is Vancouver? or Toronto? or Ontario? Not to mention, the bars are an-ok. Girls dance and dress (most of them if not all, but hey there's a bunch in every city) like skanks. No wonder he said to me once, "people only go to clubs to get laid." And after seeing the environment, I agree. Girls grind on any dicks on sight like a beggar kissing gold. Country girls may be tough I admit that they are, but City girls has class I think. We don't chase after guys, certainly don't go to clubs to get laid (I mean a small percentage do, like I said there's one in every city). And if a guy wants to be, and I said BE with a girl, than he better be a gentleman. Because trying to grind on a random girl will only get you thrown out of club and get slapped. And because no, we won't act desperate and yes we want to be treated special, a girl should know her worth unless you don't mind being just another number on that guy's list of used goods. Okay, let me just round this up. The way most (when I say that I meant 90%) of the girls act is like basically wearing a shirt that says, "fuck me please, Im horny". Gosh it feels so good to finally be able to get this off my chest. And there's no shopping malls. Okay there is but yeah, I'd rather Regina. Then again what do I know I've only been to and seen 2 towns. No wait, Regina is a city.
Okay so those would be the only thing I hated. Apart from that the small towns like Redvers and Carlile and all the rest of the towns, they are heaven. Breath-taking, calming, safe. If I make enough money, which I'm gonna make sure I will, I might even retire there. Why not. It's heaven. Love the people, love the food, love the sunsets. One good thing that I salute them over the city wanderers would be they dont judge you by what you do. They don't care if your job isn't the highest ranking. They don't judge basically. Well atleast not loudly. City people judge, a lot. And I admit it, I do it to sometimes. Ok well now that all the hatred is off my chest.
Friday
Redvers
Today would mark my one week being away from home, and although I've been away from home a lot of times that it would make no significance for me to write this one down, this one is different. This time I'm more that 5 thousand miles away from home. I'm sitting here on a Sunday morning overseeing the broad land of a small yet friendly town of Redvers, writing this blog, while my friends and family are already deep asleep, preparing for a busy Monday.
Six months ago I would never thought I would be here. Yes I took a job,my first real job (besides my internship with an advertising company) and I guess I was quite blessed that even though my pay was average, or maybe below average, I had good friends to work with, and I never felt like I had to struggle between work and study. And while most of my friends splurge their paycheck on lavish food and shoes and drinks, I had mine kept. I cook so that I don't have to use my money for food. I guess you could call me a cheapskate, but I badly wanted to go to Canada and I always get what I want, no matter what it takes. And come on, I don't think I need a new pair of branded sneakers that I would only wear a couple of times just to fit in and impress the people that I don't even really like, I might as well just save up for this trip. I'd always just travel over materials, anytime.
A woman I met on my flight from Vancouver to Regina told me, "the last wait is always the longest." Oh I get what she meant. My seat was the last and I had to wait for everyone to go out, I guess it took them a mere 10 minutes, but it felt like forever, and when I finally get to go, I was so excited that if it was up to me and if no one was looking, I would've just run and give him a tight hug and not let go. At all. But I wouldn't do that because I would look like a spastic, and I badly needed to use the washroom. I did hug him though, for the first few minutes it kinda felt surreal watching him waiting for me as I went down the elevator. Okay, well this few lines might sound lame along with some other stuff that I might say, but screw it, its my blog, and I finally get to see him after almost half a year, if any, I deserve to be excited. And the torture of flying 30 hours, gone. It felt good to be in his arm, to just cuddle there on the sofa watching the series from his grandpa's vintage tv. Somehow, 8000 miles away in a land where I absolutely am new to, he managed to make me feel at home.
Tuesday
The lone wolf
I guess I've spent my life caring too much about people, who, well not necessarily care as much about me. I've always been the one to ask "hey you okay?" But it's rare that I get that asked. Like I don't need sympathy or pity I just wish for once I would have someone to vent to. I've always been an ear but I've never had a shoulder to lean on to. I know human is a filthy being but yeah I don't get how the filthiest of them all are always the luckiest and the ones who only intend good gets fucked over, like I did, a million times. Nobody cares that I'm constantly on a breakdown, constantly having doubts, and that I'm on the verge of giving up everything. I get it good things don't come easy but why do some people always seem to have everything handed on a silver platter? Keeping yourself together is a fucking tough job and I have no idea how much longer I can do this. I guess people always assume that I'm okay and that I'm strong because I'm really good at faking a smile even when I've been punched in the face. Well I tried to be strong for everyone, and I'm only doing it because no one actually cares. Everyone would just tell me, we'll hey you'd be happier if you just keep your expectations low. Well I can't have fucking low expectations, I tried and they chew me up inside, they drown me. That's like telling me to go kill myself. I don't even know what I really want. Something normal I guess, even though I don't really know what normal mean. I don't even know if I'm doing the right thing. Maybe I am a sadist but guess what I don't choose to be depressed and it's a goddamn miracle that I'm living through it day by day. I just wish, for once, thing would be easy. Things would go right. I can't have another breakdown, I don't think I'll survive it
Friday
Between Continents
April 2013.
From all the troubles in my life that I have been going through for the past 6 months, April was something I really looked forward to. When I broke up, I was really, broken far beyond repair. I keep telling myself that I will eventually pick myself up but pieces can only be put together so many times until you finally realise that they can no longer be fixed. I did pick myself up eventually but I left a lot behind. I stopped believing in love and being heartless came easy for me, given that I was one before, so failing in yet another relationship, was, pretty well anticipated. Although I've prepared myself it still hurts like a mother fucking burnt iron thrust into your flesh a thousand times. I didn't just get scars on my heart, cliche, but I also get scars on my physical, which I chose to cover up because I hated the pride the monster had for giving it to me.
But anyway April came and I was so excited to get away from the city which keeps feeding me the same bullshit. I've always been a beach lover, and I've always been a fan of Thailand, it's just a breeze over there, and going there with my bestfriend for the first time ever, just makes it even more memorable. I wouldn't want to clarify the details because a vacation is what it is and after all the things that has been going on, you can bet your dollar that I went all the way, no thoughts, just go with whatever the island had in store for me.
I went with everything I knew I would get from Thailand, peace, fun, serenity, experience, new friends, all but one. I've always been careful, and I never trusted people, that was one of my many flaws. I guess I just had too much curiosity that I always somehow find out the tiny lies people tell. Or maybe it's the fact that I have been surrounded by people who keep on lying to their partners. I never get the reason why and I hated that it has become so common. So when this tall guy came to me and confessed how he felt, I didn't take it seriously. Like I said, vacations gives you the luxury to do all that. So I shrugged it off. He got my attention yes he did, but I wasn't keen on getting my heart broken, because I know the next time it ever happens again, I don't think I'll surface.
Three days straight he kept telling me the same thing, three days straight I left with the bitchiest answer, because being a bitch is my best defense from falling for this guy. Usually it works, guys never want to waste time on girls that plays too hard to get,accept this one. I think he was already giving up when he told my bestfriend his feelings, and for some reason, I knew I owed him my time. I knew I needed to talk to him and get to know him and so I did.
It didn't take long for him to learn my darkest secrets, my most feared secrets. It took him a week to learn all the stories that I have never shared with anyone; and I did not tell him because it was part of the process or like it was part of any steps, it happened because I was so comfortable with him, and that without realising, I was actually putting my trust on him to keep these stories a secret. He learnt about my fear, my pain and my flaws, and he was still there, kissing my scars. We didn't have conversations like, "you will love this band they are awesome," in fact our taste in music is not that much similar, but our conversations always satisfies me. It satisfies me that I get to see the part of him that not many will get to see, it made me fell more and more for him because he was so honest and transparent. Like he can say the sweetest thing and I can look into his eyes and know that he wasn't trying to be sweet, he was being vague.
Right before I left for my flight he did the most unexpected thing. The incident that made me realise, this guy actually means something to me, heck he means a lot. I never thought I'd cry but I did, and it wasn't because I was hurt, but because I had finally find something worth holding on to, someone else other than my parents and my family that could actually love me despite my flaws, and that I had to leave him. A week together and now we're miles apart for another bloody six months. Because I had to go back to being a student and he had to go back to place where wi-fi is such a luxury.
We've been talking up until this very moment, and despite the shitty 8753miles distance, it's safe to say we've been closer. I guess he had his doubtful moments just as much as I did, and I worry all the time that he's just going to stop talking to me. I don't want to predict or say anything more than I should, but there is something about this man that screams "you've found a home" "you're safe" and it is a feeling I never wish to lose. This is by far the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life, so if it's true that people say "the greater the challenge, the greater the outcome" than I am fucking rolling with this shit whatever comes my way.
From all the troubles in my life that I have been going through for the past 6 months, April was something I really looked forward to. When I broke up, I was really, broken far beyond repair. I keep telling myself that I will eventually pick myself up but pieces can only be put together so many times until you finally realise that they can no longer be fixed. I did pick myself up eventually but I left a lot behind. I stopped believing in love and being heartless came easy for me, given that I was one before, so failing in yet another relationship, was, pretty well anticipated. Although I've prepared myself it still hurts like a mother fucking burnt iron thrust into your flesh a thousand times. I didn't just get scars on my heart, cliche, but I also get scars on my physical, which I chose to cover up because I hated the pride the monster had for giving it to me.
But anyway April came and I was so excited to get away from the city which keeps feeding me the same bullshit. I've always been a beach lover, and I've always been a fan of Thailand, it's just a breeze over there, and going there with my bestfriend for the first time ever, just makes it even more memorable. I wouldn't want to clarify the details because a vacation is what it is and after all the things that has been going on, you can bet your dollar that I went all the way, no thoughts, just go with whatever the island had in store for me.
I went with everything I knew I would get from Thailand, peace, fun, serenity, experience, new friends, all but one. I've always been careful, and I never trusted people, that was one of my many flaws. I guess I just had too much curiosity that I always somehow find out the tiny lies people tell. Or maybe it's the fact that I have been surrounded by people who keep on lying to their partners. I never get the reason why and I hated that it has become so common. So when this tall guy came to me and confessed how he felt, I didn't take it seriously. Like I said, vacations gives you the luxury to do all that. So I shrugged it off. He got my attention yes he did, but I wasn't keen on getting my heart broken, because I know the next time it ever happens again, I don't think I'll surface.
Three days straight he kept telling me the same thing, three days straight I left with the bitchiest answer, because being a bitch is my best defense from falling for this guy. Usually it works, guys never want to waste time on girls that plays too hard to get,accept this one. I think he was already giving up when he told my bestfriend his feelings, and for some reason, I knew I owed him my time. I knew I needed to talk to him and get to know him and so I did.
It didn't take long for him to learn my darkest secrets, my most feared secrets. It took him a week to learn all the stories that I have never shared with anyone; and I did not tell him because it was part of the process or like it was part of any steps, it happened because I was so comfortable with him, and that without realising, I was actually putting my trust on him to keep these stories a secret. He learnt about my fear, my pain and my flaws, and he was still there, kissing my scars. We didn't have conversations like, "you will love this band they are awesome," in fact our taste in music is not that much similar, but our conversations always satisfies me. It satisfies me that I get to see the part of him that not many will get to see, it made me fell more and more for him because he was so honest and transparent. Like he can say the sweetest thing and I can look into his eyes and know that he wasn't trying to be sweet, he was being vague.
Right before I left for my flight he did the most unexpected thing. The incident that made me realise, this guy actually means something to me, heck he means a lot. I never thought I'd cry but I did, and it wasn't because I was hurt, but because I had finally find something worth holding on to, someone else other than my parents and my family that could actually love me despite my flaws, and that I had to leave him. A week together and now we're miles apart for another bloody six months. Because I had to go back to being a student and he had to go back to place where wi-fi is such a luxury.
We've been talking up until this very moment, and despite the shitty 8753miles distance, it's safe to say we've been closer. I guess he had his doubtful moments just as much as I did, and I worry all the time that he's just going to stop talking to me. I don't want to predict or say anything more than I should, but there is something about this man that screams "you've found a home" "you're safe" and it is a feeling I never wish to lose. This is by far the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life, so if it's true that people say "the greater the challenge, the greater the outcome" than I am fucking rolling with this shit whatever comes my way.
Sunday
Letters to you
Dear significant other,
I still believe that you are out there somewhere. My faith is wearing thin, but I still have faith left. If you read this, take me out of this misery. Please promise me that when you find me, you will make me happy especially when Im being so emotional without a reason. It's not that hard, all I need is a hug. Please dont let me fight with another girl for you, instead, fight for me to stay in your life. I am done fighting for a guy and ending up broken. You know I will love you with all my heart, so don't break it, or I'll have nothing left. Hug me when I feel insecure, hold my hand and tell me it's going to be fine. Call me before I go to sleep, or before you go to work. Text me at random times, eventhough I didnt text you. Never grow tired of telling me how much you love me and please, never stop loving me, eventhough I can be hard at times. Wipe my tears when I cry and dunk my head in your arms. Listen to me when I am mad at you, pull me in when I shout. Tell me all your secrets, and let me share your fears. Be honest with me, eventhough the truth will hurt. Heal my wounds, if you ever had to hurt me. Dont make me promises if you cant keep up with it, be real. and i will be yours. Until my last breath
I still believe that you are out there somewhere. My faith is wearing thin, but I still have faith left. If you read this, take me out of this misery. Please promise me that when you find me, you will make me happy especially when Im being so emotional without a reason. It's not that hard, all I need is a hug. Please dont let me fight with another girl for you, instead, fight for me to stay in your life. I am done fighting for a guy and ending up broken. You know I will love you with all my heart, so don't break it, or I'll have nothing left. Hug me when I feel insecure, hold my hand and tell me it's going to be fine. Call me before I go to sleep, or before you go to work. Text me at random times, eventhough I didnt text you. Never grow tired of telling me how much you love me and please, never stop loving me, eventhough I can be hard at times. Wipe my tears when I cry and dunk my head in your arms. Listen to me when I am mad at you, pull me in when I shout. Tell me all your secrets, and let me share your fears. Be honest with me, eventhough the truth will hurt. Heal my wounds, if you ever had to hurt me. Dont make me promises if you cant keep up with it, be real. and i will be yours. Until my last breath
Thursday
the real world
Here is my concern. I want to get my degree, and I want to continue my masters. I know my initial plan was going to Australia and enroll in RMIT, but after careful thinking, I plan to continue my degree here, an do my masters there instead, and settle there. Well maybe not settling there. This depends. Here are the reasons to why. First of all, Aussie is not cheap, and I am not under any scholarship. In order for me to get so, well I have to maintain a good grade atleast for the first year and try to get a scholarship for the second year. A year's cost of living is approximately $125,000. Approximately, this is if I save up. So in a way, this number has to be timed by three. Again, this is if I save up. Meaning, not going out a lot and cook at home. The reason for me to go to Aussie is not only to study but to have fun as well, and I think I know what I mean by having fun. Money is crucial. So, there is no use for me to study in Aussie if all I do is go to campus and go home. I can do that here, and still go out and not worry that much about money. Second of all, after going through several local colleges and universities, I realise I could transfer my credit hours and finish my degree in two years tops. One and a half or one year if Im lucky enough. I am 21. I want to have my degree as soon as I can and I want a good income, this being having a good job with a good and sufficient educational background before the age of 30. Yes, by 30 I would want to own my own car, my own house (apartment maybe) with my own money that I work my ass for and I want to be able to give my earnings to my parents, and like any other normal woman get married and have kids... bla bla bla. So the story goes. My point is, I think I should stay. I prefer to be independant. So I think I should stay, so I can get my degree fast, since its easier to do credit transfers and then continue my Masters in RMIT maybe. Then get a job and be an adult. Seriously that thought scares me.
Monday
clarification
I think I have lost touch at my poetic writing skills. Maybe because i realize, I used to write so good when Im sad and down, and that rarely happens nowadays. i want to write like I used to, but I hate sounding emotional. But anyways. Im admitting here, that in this blog, I will vent about guys a lot. Sounds desperate, but whatever. My blog anyway.
I here clarify that I am not heartless, or picky as most of you claim me to be. I just simply am not ready for a relationship or some sort, although sometimes I think I need to be in one. I have my funs with guys, physically. Honestly, I'd rather have a once-in-a-while physical-only relationship with a guy. Emotionally, I guess I am not ready to open up or let myself appear vulnerable to anyone. It feels like I'm losing, and I dont like the feel of losing? I like thinking I'm in control, and that boys cant bring me down, neither can a girl, speaking of. Not to mention, my confidence has galloped so high lately. I dont know why, it's like I have no fear of rejection, something I use to have a lot. Like I no longer care about other judgements towards me. This should be good right?
I here clarify that I am not heartless, or picky as most of you claim me to be. I just simply am not ready for a relationship or some sort, although sometimes I think I need to be in one. I have my funs with guys, physically. Honestly, I'd rather have a once-in-a-while physical-only relationship with a guy. Emotionally, I guess I am not ready to open up or let myself appear vulnerable to anyone. It feels like I'm losing, and I dont like the feel of losing? I like thinking I'm in control, and that boys cant bring me down, neither can a girl, speaking of. Not to mention, my confidence has galloped so high lately. I dont know why, it's like I have no fear of rejection, something I use to have a lot. Like I no longer care about other judgements towards me. This should be good right?
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